Wavering Faith
by kbillygoat
Summary: Anna has always been the strong one, supporting John with unwavering faith. Once Anna begins to lose faith after suffering a miscarriage, will John be able to pick up the pieces? Post Series 3
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This is a multi-chapter story focusing on a possible source of conflict for Anna and Bates in series 4. The story will be quite heart-breaking at times, but there will be a happy ending that Anna and Bates deserve. I plan on updating this story every Sunday. Thanks to Bingo the Cat for editing the story. All reviews are appreciated._

* * *

_August 1921_

Only the moon lit the dirt path as John progressed toward his cottage after a long day. He had seen little of his wife since they had made the reverse trip that morning. As they progressed towards Downton in the early hours, John had warned Anna he would have a late night since Lord Grantham was dining out for the evening. John suggested she may want to leave without him. She sweetly told John she would wait for him, after all, she was the patient one. When John had consented to her waiting for him, he had no idea how late his Lordship would be that night.

As the other servants tended to the dinner and to the family, John was left alone in the servants' hall. He completed a little mending, but spent most of his time reading, waiting for the arrival of his Lordship to return to work or for Anna for an evening chat. Anna arrived first after seeing Lady Mary to bed at midnight, but Lord Grantham still had not come back. John told Anna she could go home without him, but she again insisted on waiting. John pleaded with her several times to go and sleep, telling her it made no sense for them both to be exhausted, yet she still refused. John stared at his watch in disbelief; his Lordship was expected to return nearly an hour ago, but John assumed that he'd lost track of time. After John caught Anna stifling her fifth yawn and watched her eyes grow increasingly heavier, Anna relented to her husband's request and left. About thirty minutes after her departure, his Lordship arrived home in a foul mood. The car had broken down halfway home and they had to wait nearly an hour for a man with a horse and buggy to pass. As John went about his duties, undressing him, his Lordship ranted about the pluses and minuses of modern technology. At one point, Lord Grantham said, "A horse going lame isn't nearly as frustrating as watching as thick smoke billowing out of the front of the car."

John finally left Downton Abbey with quarter of an hour until two and ventured towards the cottage alone. Most nights, the walk from Downton was the highlight of his day, holding Anna's hand as they progressed towards their home. The walk allowed them to savor their time together and to talk freely without fear of being overheard. The simple pleasure of openly talking to his wife was refreshing after he spent many years being elusive and guarded with her. While their activities varied once they returned to their cottage, the walk was always about the two of them. After especially long days, they both would simply collapse into bed, Anna already asleep by the time her head hit the pillow. Other nights, John and Anna would spend some time downstairs before retiring, enjoying a cup of tea, finishing some mending, tidying the cottage. John particularly looked forward to the nights where they could turn in early to bed for more recreational activities…

Tonight, without Anna, the distance seemed so much further than before. Although they had lived in the cottage for nearly a year, John still could not believe his luck. After everything he had done in his life, he was able to return home each night to his beautiful and loving wife. Anna had suffered greatly because of John. Some of the pain was caused by unknown forces outside of his control, but much of her hurt was entirely his fault. John vowed to make it up to her somehow, rewarding her years of unwavering faith and love. He chuckled to himself, not many women would confess their love first, wait years for a married man, and then stand by a convicted murderer thrown into jail. But, Anna wasn't like most women.

John arrived at the door and diligently wiped his shoes on the straw mat. Earlier in the spring, John had drudged mud all over the house much to Anna's dismay. He dared not repeat the infraction.

He recalled how he walked into the kitchen that day to Anna's brow deeply furrowed. After inquiring about what was wrong, she gave a small _hmph_ with a raise of one slender eyebrow as she pointed to the mud. John of course quickly apologized for making her upset which struck a chord with her. Anna did not like to get cross with John so she did her best to hide her frustration as she said, "I'm not upset, it's just, I scrubbed the floors yesterday, and now I will have to clean them again."

Anna disappeared upstairs for a few moments, but when she returned, John was on his hands and knees, scrubbing the floor. All she could muster when she saw him was a surprised, "What _are_ you doing?"

John looked up at her sheepishly and said, "Cleaning up my mess."

Anna shook her head, "Your knee won't allow that. You should have let me get it, I didn't mind."

John grabbed onto the nearby table to lift himself up. He left his cane where it was and hobbled over to Anna. "Better my knee mad at me, than you," He said as he held her in his arms.

"I wasn't mad," Anna smiled and succumbed to his kiss. Anna could never stay annoyed with John for long, yet he tried his best to be less absent-minded.

John opened the door into darkness, not even embers burned in the fireplace due to the August heat. He placed his hat on the stand and methodically headed for the stairs. The tapping of the cane on the wooden stairs pierced harshly through air, but John did his best to muffle the sound. Anna had been home for hours and should have been fast asleep.

As he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed a soft glow under the bedroom door. All he could do was shake his head, his wife was stubbornly waiting for him to get home. She would regret the late night in the morning, but John was happy to be able to see her smile one last time and to tell her goodnight. As he opened the door, he feigned anger as he said, "Shouldn't you be asleep?"

But as soon as John saw Anna's face, it became clear something was wrong.

Anna was so absorbed in her troubles that she did not hear her husband open the door or ascend the stairs. She jumped when she finally heard his voice. Anna was embarrassed, to be caught crying by her husband, but even as she willed herself to stop crying, tears continued to fall. She caught sight of his confused face etched with concern.

Anna barely whispered, "John," and he came over to her and quickly enveloped her in his strong arms. Anna crashed into his chest and continued sobbing.

"Shush, shush, it'll be alright, I'm here." John managed to say as he wrapped his arms tighter around her. Anna's tears refused to subside even as he gently rubbed her back. He continuously whispered _shushes_ in her ear, trying to calm her down.

"Oh John," Anna finally edged out between sobs. "I'm sorry. I'm ruining your clothes."

He looked down his chest, underneath Anna, at his vest, wrinkled and damp with tears, but by no means were his clothes ruined.

"Don't worry, you're not. Anna, please tell me what's wrong," John had not seen Anna in such state of distress in a long time, especially not since he had been released from prison. He had no idea what could have caused her such pain and his insides were constricting as he worried about her.

Anna pulled back from John and he released her. She inhaled deeply and wiped the last tears from her eyes. She looked at him, ashamed, but took another deep breath to try to regain composure. Once she was confident her voice would not break, Anna asked "Why don't you change into your night clothes, and then I'll tell you what's wrong."

He kept his eyes on her during his various stages of undress. She refused to look at him, but he noticed a single tear fall down her face. The suspense was killing John.

"Did you receive news from home?" John asked, but Anna only shook her head.

"Did something happen at work?" John guessed again in the dark, but she shook her head a second time.

The hollow feeling in the bottom of his stomach increased as he asked, "Did… did _I_ do something wrong?"

"No! No, of course not! It's not you!" Anna looked at him guiltily; he thought he was the cause of her pain, yet in her opinion, it was entirely her own fault.

Over the last few weeks, Anna had convinced herself she was pregnant. She dared not say anything to John until she knew for sure, but when she returned home and started her monthly cycle, she realized she was mistaken, she was not pregnant. It had been over two months since her last cycle, and as she began to wonder why she was late, she became certain she was with child. John had been home for nearly a year and it seemed the most logical explanation.

And after dealing with a pregnant Mary all day and discussing children with her, Anna began to realize how badly she wanted a child of her own with John. She imagined her own belly growing, John fidgeting over her comfort just like Mr. Crawley did, and feeling the baby move within her. She also began to see a little boy with John's features curled up on his lap while she bounced a baby girl that resembled herself. Anna had not realized how incomplete she felt until she seriously thought about having children. Of course, John filled her life with enough love, but the idea of adding to their family brought immense joy to Anna's heart. Mary had been fatigued and emotional at the beginning of her pregnancy and Anna had noticed the same symptoms in herself. But looking back, clearly it was all in her head. She wanted so badly to believe she was pregnant.

Anna was grateful she did not mention anything to John about her incorrect inkling. They had skirted around the topic of children over the last year, neither wanting to seem disappointed it was not happening. They would smile at each other knowingly when they were with Sybbie or talk about a distant future with little rascals under their feet. But over the last year, Anna and John had not had a serious discussion about starting a family. Anna believed it was unnecessary to discuss because it was something that would just happen, and she was enjoying her alone time with her husband.

But tonight, the realization that she was not pregnant affected her more severely than she anticipated. She had spent the better part of an hour dwelling on a lost dream. She felt foolish how attached she felt to something that was not even there. The tears started not long after she sat in bed, and they'd ebbed and flowed as she laid alone. After all, it had been an entire year, and she was no closer to expecting a child than the day of his release. Anna worried this meant she never was going to have children. And the realization she could be barren shook Anna to the core. Becoming a mother felt so right to her, yet the opportunity might be out of her control. The fears of a life without children and disappointing John and herself cycled through her thoughts to devastating effects. She had not lost such control since John's imprisonment.

Anna had planned on moving on and being asleep by the time John came home, leaving him unaware of the entire meltdown. However, as soon as she saw John in the doorway, the tears fell harder than they had all night.

By that time, John was fully changed into night clothes and crept into bed tentatively next to Anna. He was still not fully convinced it wasn't his fault. Anna stayed silent for a moment longer, but she had to divulge the truth to him.

"It's not your fault," Anna repeated as she squeezed his hand, yet John remained unsure.

"I'm being foolish," Anna continued as she shook her head, "Nothing devastating happened; I'm making a big deal out of nothing."

John listened intently, trying to decode what was wrong.

"I thought I was pregnant," Anna blurted out.

"Oh," John said, with some relief. But that statement only brought more questions in John's head. Were the tears from the fear that she would have to carry his child? Was she relieved she would not have to raise children with him? No, John said firmly to himself, he would not revert to his old frame of mind. That was a path he wasn't going to take again, so long as Anna walked the earth. She would not think such things about him. He chastised himself for even considering that. She's clearly upset that she is not pregnant.

"But, I'm not pregnant and maybe I'm too old. It's rare to be a first time mum at my age," Anna confessed her worst fear that motherhood was not in the cards for her.

John was surprised Anna considered herself old, when he was fifteen years her senior. She always would be youthful in his eyes. John responded, "No, you're perfect; you're just a few years older than Lady Mary and she's, what, seven months pregnant?"

"I'm nearly six years older than her," Anna replied. Anna knew in the woman's world, those years could make a big difference.

"Anna, you are not too old. If anything, I'm too old and maybe I'm the source of the problem. All those years with Vera and I never had a child." John reassured her.

Anna frowned and confessed another fear, "I'm letting you down." Some part of her truly felt she was not giving John everything he warranted.

At this point, John put his arm around Anna's shoulder and held her close to him. "Anna, don't say that; don't even _think_ that. You could never let me down. You are the person that brought meaning back into my life; you love me with your whole heart, and you even freed me from prison. As long as you're drawing breath, you could never disappoint me." He gently kissed the top of her head.

Anna stroked John's arm, working her fingers up and down the long, muscular limb. She laid her head over his chest and heard his heart beating through his night shirt. "But, what if we never have children?" Anna brought the big issue to his attention.

"Then, we will face it together. But it's too early to give up all hope. I have a feeling we are going to have plenty of children. And when the house is full of rowdy kids, we'll be wishing for the days of quiet and full nights of sleep." John replied as Anna looked at the clock. 3 am was fast approaching and they both were wide awake. Anna would be tired in the morning, but there was a sense of relief of voicing her doubts and disappointments.

"But if we don't?" Anna asked again. She needed to hear more of his encouragements.

"I will still be the luckiest man in the world," John lightly brought her chin up and pressed his lips to hers. "And I will be working tirelessly to make you the happiest woman." He gave her a glance, smiling as he kissed her again.

A light grin played on Anna's face. A slight emptiness was still there, but she felt better, having shared everything with John. He said the right things to put her mind at ease. In John's arms, the future did not seem as bleak for Anna. Even if she would not have children, she had real love, a love more than she could have ever expected. Anna yawned and the night's exhaustion washed over her. Tears and fears have a way of making people terribly tired.

"Thank you," Anna replied as she kissed him back.

"Good night, Anna, I love you." John responded as he turned out the light and held his wife. Soon, Anna's breath became heavier as she drifted off to sleep. John continued to watch her in the dark for several more minutes, wishing he could give her everything she deserved, before succumbing to his own tiredness and falling asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

_February 1922, 6 months later_

Anna stood in the doorway between the kitchen and parlor, watching her husband read contentedly on the sofa. John was absorbed in his book, completely unaware his wife had finished washing the tea kettle and cups. Anna enjoyed his obliviousness because she could admire his features uninterrupted. His brow was slightly furrowed, as he contemplated the contents of his book, and yet, he seemed completely at ease. He was no longer a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders, hiding from his past. He was just a man, enjoying some peace and quiet in his house, unwinding after a day of work. After John's eyes reached the bottom of the page, his fingers flipped to the next page, the same fingers that magically undid Anna on a regular basis. She could not help but smile at her husband, but part of her felt guilty. Lady Mary and Mr. Branson were now robbed from the same indulgence Anna was currently partaking in.

Even five months after, the shadow of Mr. Matthew's death still hung heavily over all of Downton. To lose Mr. Crawley before everyone could begin to recover from Lady Sybil's death… it affected the household horribly, none perhaps more than Lady Mary and Lord Grantham. Even the consolation that he had produced an heir before his death did nothing to dull Lord Grantham's pain. Lady Mary was withdrawn and grief-stricken for weeks. Additionally, she was fiercely protective of her son, her last connection to Matthew. Lady Mary would regularly summon her child from the nurse but she would seldom take visits from her family. She elected to name him after his father and paternal grandfather, much to Isobel Crawley's surprise and gratitude. Yet, Lady Mary found it too difficult to call him by her late husband's name. So Matthew Reginald Crawley became known as Reggie. And while little Reggie's and little Sybie's lives were filled with love and comfort, both would grow up with only one parent.

Anna absentmindedly placed her hand on her stomach, wondering if her dream was finally coming true. She had not had her monthly cycle for over four months. At first, she thought the added stress had caused her to be irregular. Anna had visited Dr. Clarkson not long before John's trial. For the first nine months of imprisonment, Anna had her cycle only three or four times and grew concerned. It was evident she was not pregnant, with her husband imprisoned, so she did not understand what could be causing the issue. Dr. Clarkson explained to her that traumatic events, added stress, loss of sleep, and lack of appetite could all cause the problem. Until the last few weeks, Anna had contributed her most recent cycle irregularity to the strain of the last few months. She had been with Lady Mary nearly every waking hour the first month after Matthew's death. Even at times when Anna allowed Lady Mary some space to grieve privately, Anna would never be far away. The few hours that her ladyship went to bed allowed Anna to catch up on her other duties. Anna even spent the night at Downton the first few weeks because Lady Mary began to have nightmares. With Lady Sybil and Mr. Crawley gone, Anna was one of the few people left in the house that Lady Mary could truly rely on.

And yet, Anna's routine was returning to normal and her period still did not occur. She feared becoming too hopeful would lead to repeated disappointment, but this time, there were other symptoms similar to what Lady Mary experienced at the beginning of her pregnancy. Anna had reviewed the evidence again and again in her head and after much consideration, she elected to open up to John about her theories and about her plan to visit Dr. Clarkson. Part of her wanted to wait until after she met with Dr. Clarkson to include John, but decided now was the time. Anna always goaded John for keeping his problems to himself so it only made sense she followed her own advice.

John noticed movement out of the sides of his eyes and looked up to see Anna walking towards him. He patted the seat next to him and then returned to the page he was on. Anna followed his instructions and sat down on the sofa. She placed her head on his shoulder, still allowing him to have both hands on his book. Anna simply watched his movements as she gently caressed his thigh with her fingertips. She let him enjoy a few more pages before she interrupted him.

"John?" Anna spoke to get his attention.

"Hmmm?" John responded, not taking his eyes off the page.

Anna asked, "Have I been neglecting you?" That was not how she planned to start the conversation, but she had felt bad about the amount of time they had spent together.

With that question, John turned away from his book and towards Anna.

"No, no, of course not!" John replied. He placed the book on the table and reached over to squeeze her hand. "We've talked about this before, I would not object to seeing more of you, but I understand." He said with a smile, creases forming around his eyes.

John was right, they had definitely had this discussion before. Anna had focused quite a lot of her energy on the well-being of Lady Mary. John and Anna still had spent some time together, but Anna was usually too exhausted to fully contribute to their conversations. John also felt drained by the recent months at Downton, but did not blame Anna for her extra commitment to Lady Mary. In some sense, it was repayment to Lady Mary for all the comfort and support she provided during John's imprisonment. Anna had told John many times how Mrs. Hughes and Lady Mary helped to keep her positive in her darkest hours. While he was not there to hold her at night, the two other women stepped in to keep Anna's spirits up. Even before his imprisonment, Anna and Lady Mary had forged the closest thing to a friendship that their social class separations allowed. And once John was released, he noticed the affections between the two women were incredibly strong. John also remembered that it was Lady Mary who allowed them to share one night of marital bliss before he was incarcerated. John felt he could not fault Anna for her fidelity to Lady Mary during such a trying time.

John peppered Anna with light kisses and nearly picked his book back up, but one look into her eyes told him there was more.

"Anna, is everything alright?" John questioned.

"Well, yes and no. Have you noticed I've been short-tempered lately, maybe even a bit nasty?" Anna asked.

"No, you've been perfectly fine." John responded to her question with a small white lie.

Anna raised her eyebrows incredulously at John's response. He was afraid of offending her if he answered wrongly, but he could only chuckle at Anna's expression.

"Okay, well, maybe you have not been your usual charming self all the time," John confessed.

Anna snorted, "_Not my charming self?_ Some days, I could give Miss O'Brien a run for her money."

John softly patted Anna's hand, "But you are under a great deal of stress. And I've been difficult too and probably deserved the scolding."

"But I'm not only coarse with you, I snapped at Alice just yesterday," Anna told John. She remembered the shock on the young maid's face. Anna was known for her compassion and even-temper, but lately, she found it more difficult to hold her tongue. Of course, Anna apologized to Alice right away, but she could not take back her initial terse reaction.

"You haven't been sleeping well lately. We both can agree you do better on a full night of sleep," John tried to reasoned with her. He had learned early on that Anna was not a morning person and not to ask too much from her right after waking. However, Anna had been acting out of sorts not just in the morning, but throughout the day. John easily excused the behavior because she was never too vicious and nearly always apologized.

Once John made the sleeping comment, Anna wanted to remind him that she had been getting more rest recently. While Anna was very sleep deprived the first few months after the trip to Scotland, her sleeping schedule returned to normal months ago and could hardly still be an excuse. Anna decided to present more evidence to support her pregnancy theory.

"Do you remember how I was sick for a few weeks?" Anna was trying to spell everything out so that John would connect the dots.

"For a few weeks, I thought you were feeling better after a few days," John replied. He had caught Anna up in the early hours, vomiting, and insisted she stayed home. Anna relented and stayed home that morning, but made her way to work by dinner time because she was feeling better. Over the next week or two, Anna felt nauseous on and off, but rarely got sick to her stomach. Mrs. Hughes, John, and even Lady Mary had commented on her coloring, asking if she was well again, and she assured them that she was. Anna did not feel like she could take a week off work just for feeling a little queasy.

"Well, I didn't want you to worry. Sometimes, it would come on and be over before I could think twice about it. And I'm feeling better now," Anna responded.

"Are you?" John asked her.

"Yes, but I think there may be more going on," Anna said.

John looked at her blankly. He could not understand what she was getting at. Anna watched him and realized she would have to explain everything.

"You see, when my mom was carrying my little sisters, I remember she would have bouts of anger and complaints of nausea. I didn't really understand what was going on until she was pregnant with Eleanor. By then, I was ten, and she explained that sometimes pregnancy had that effect on her." Anna recounted.

As soon as Anna mentioned pregnancy, John began to understand. But before he questioned her about it, he allowed her to continue.

"So, I've been irritable, fatigued, and nauseous. It's not confirmed, I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I think I'm pregnant. That would at least explain all of the changes," Anna explained. She dared not mention to John the absence of her periods and other bodily differences she noticed. Anna remembered too well Lady Mary suffering with similar problems, but would not share such intimate details about her Ladyship. It would be enough for him to wrap his head around the idea she was pregnant, without all of the painstaking details.

John's mouth hung agape at the very notion of her suspicions. He remembered their conversation months ago, and how disappointed she was when she was not pregnant. He dared not hope too much for children, but the idea always played in the back of his mind. Anna was clearly a natural mother, she was nurturing and loving. John regularly encountered Anna with Reggie, ferrying him between his nanny and mother. Anna always held the boy with such grace and could calm him in a matter of seconds. One time, Anna noticed John watching and insisting he take a turn with the child. John immediately resisted, inciting his inexperience with infants, Lady Mary's disapproval, and even his cane. Yet Anna looked at him dearly and he could no longer relent. The boy was a bit fussy when he was transferred to John, but Anna immediately recommended how to calm the boy. Following Anna's advice, the boy settled down in his arms. And between looking at the boy's sweet expression and the admiration in Anna's eyes, John longed for children of their own. But at this moment, John tried to hide his excitement at the prospect of a child in case it was another false alarm.

"Have you scheduled an appointment with Dr. Clarkson?" John asked.

"Not yet, I was thinking about going on my next half day off," Anna replied.

"But that's five days away, shouldn't you go sooner? You can go tomorrow and I'll cover for you. It'll be best to find out for sure," said John, deep with concern.

"I appreciate the offer, but you could hardly care for Lady Mary. Mrs. Hughes is off tomorrow so she won't be able to fill in. It'll be best if I wait until I'm off because it will not raise any questions. Either I am pregnant or I am not, and going tomorrow will make no difference," Anna explained.

"The anticipation is killing me," John again grabbed Anna's hand, "I want to know if our lives will be changed forever."

Anna grinned largely. She enjoyed the excitement bouncing in John's eyes at the expectations for their future. Her grin quickly turned mischievous. "If that's the case, we better not waste any of our alone time. Shall we go upstairs?"


	3. Chapter 3

_February 1922 - Five days later_

John sat in the servants' hall, drumming his fingers against the mahogany table impatiently. Mr. Carson would be ringing the dressing gong any minute, and Anna still had not returned from meeting with Dr. Clarkson. About three days ago, Anna had ducked into the doctor's office after mailing some letters to schedule an appointment for this afternoon. Five hours had elapsed since her appointment's scheduled time, and there was no sign of her. John tried his best to not watch his watch, but there was an uneasiness in his stomach. His thoughts churned with different reasons for Anna's disappearance, each of which became more horrible with every passing minute. And, as hard as he tried to not to, John kept thinking back to Mr. Crawley's death. At first, when all of the family arrived at the hospital without seeing Matthew, no one gave it much thought. But after several hours, and still no sign of him, their worst fears were confirmed with the arrival of the lorry driver. John, of course, did not witness any of it, but Anna was at the hospital the entire day. She only recounted the day once to him, both daring not bring it up again; but it still gave him chills to think about it. John snapped out of his worries with the sound of footsteps, but he looked up and it was Mrs. Hughes.

John sighed impatiently at the sight of her, and the housekeeper raised an eyebrow as she asked, "Anna still hasn't returned?"

"No, not yet," John replied. He noticed a look on concern on Mrs. Hughes's face as well. Anna was always very punctual, but John tried to come up with reasonable excuses for her delay. Maybe she decided to run errands after her appointment. Maybe the news was bad and she took a walk to clear her head and calm down. Or perhaps she went home to take a nap and lost track of time. Most scenarios involved some method of Anna mending her heartbreak after another false alarm. John stomach continued to twist as he glanced at his watch again.

"Very well, she still may make it back before the gong." No sooner had Mrs. Hughes said the words, the gong sounded above.

"Well, I guess you better go up. I'll wait for Anna a few more minutes. If she doesn't arrive, I'll tend to Lady Mary myself," Mrs. Hughes said in her Scottish brogue.

John rose slowly, knowing Mrs. Hughes was right; he had to perform his duties. But just as John reached the stairs, he heard the door to the courtyard open and shut. He looked around the banister and caught sight of his wife. Anna's eyes were glistening as she broke into the widest grin. Her eyes locked with John's and she nodded. John's heart felt as if it would burst. Anna was pregnant! He was going to be a father! He felt as if he could jump into the air and whoop. But Mrs. Hughes snapped him back to reality.

"Alright, Mr. Bates, she's back, and his Lordship is waiting," Mrs. Hughes politely interrupted.

All John wanted to do was embrace his wife, but he had no choice. With one final smile directed at Anna, he walked up the stairs.

"I'm so sorry Mrs. Hughes," Anna apologized, trying the best to hide her delight.

"It's alright, but you better go change back into your uniform and get to Lady Mary. I'll go inform her that you will be a few minutes," Mrs. Hughes responded.

* * *

John struggled to pay attention to what Lord Grantham was saying since his thoughts kept drifting back to Anna. After spending most of the afternoon thinking the worst, he was greatly relieved to be wrong. He could not believe that it was actually happening! John doubted he would even believe it when Anna's stomach grew or when they prepared the cottage for the baby. But once he had the precious child in his arm, their bundle of joy, John knew his life would forever revolve around that little one.

John was experiencing a mix of emotions. For months, he had wished it to be true, to be able to give Anna everything she ever wanted. But small fears began to nag him. One moment, he was completely filled with glee, the next dread. All the while, John was trying to help his Lordship dress, but finding it increasingly difficult to do so.

John softly muttered a quick, "Sorry milord." His fumbling caused him to make an error with his Lordship's tie the first time and he had to restart. John did little to contribute to the conversation and Lord Grantham seemed to sense as much. But with the silence between them, more and more worries pounded down on John. He was over fifty. How could he bring a child into world when he would probably not live to see him or her fully grown? He would not be able to walk his daughter down the aisle, watch his son's career blossom, or see the birth of his first grandchild. And a more pressing concern for John was how on Earth he'd be able to keep up with a toddler. Between his leg and age, the brunt of the work would be left to Anna. Yes, he is able to financially support Anna and the child now, but what if something happened to him, how would they make ends meet?

But just as his doubts were spiraling out of control, Anna's face came to the forefront of his mind. He pictured Anna swaddling the infant with the utmost care and love. Then he imagined a chubby toddler with a nearly toothless grin taking unsteady steps into her comforting arms. He saw Anna's smile, as she beamed with pride, while holding their baby tightly in her arms. After John finished with Lord Grantham, he took a deep breath. He could do this; he could be a father, with Anna… and for Anna.

* * *

Anna was very glad she was experienced at keeping secrets because she was tempted to share the good news immediately with Lady Mary. She truly was busting at the seams with excitement. Dr. Clarkson confirmed she was pregnant! She, Anna, would be having John's child. And fortunately, Anna's good mood appeared to be contagious. Even though Lady Mary did not know the source of her lady maid's excitement, she was in an excellent mood. The two ladies chatted easily and even joked about coming across Mr. Branson playing dollies with Sybbie. Anna noticed the way Lady Mary's eyes lit up while she laughed. Although her ladyship was happy, there was still a shadow of sadness. Anna wondered if it would ever truly go away, or just be masked beneath other emotions. But Anna gratefully observed that tonight's conversations were like the way they used to chat before Mr. Crawley's death.

"You look very lovely tonight, milady," Anna genuinely complimented her. Anna had always considered Lady Mary a beautiful woman, but her listlessness during the last few months seemed to dampen her features. Anna reasoned that the added beauty was, perhaps, a reflection of Lady Mary's cheerful mood.

Lady Mary looked at Anna in the mirror and smiled softly. Her smile nearly disappeared as she suddenly seemed to be reminded of her husband's death, but returned once she turned to face Anna and said, "Anna, I want you to know how very grateful I am for you these last few months."

"Milady, it was nothing," Anna replied modestly.

"No, it was truly everything. I honestly don't think I would have known what to do without you." Lady Mary softly squeezed Anna's hand to show her appreciation. The bond between the two women had transcended class barriers to become a deep friendship. But suddenly Anna felt guilty when observing the sincerity yet vulnerability in Lady Mary's eyes. Anna would soon be abandoning her for good, and was one of the only people left that has seen this side of Lady Mary. With all the joyous anticipation, the fact that she would be leaving Downton completely slipped Anna's mind. Of course, with John staying on as his Lordship's valet, she would never be too far from the family, but it wouldn't be the same. Downton Abbey had been Anna's home for nearly twenty years and she served Lady Mary for the majority of those. It felt strange to be leaving that all behind. But, once Anna remembered the reason she was parting, she felt slightly better.

"Thank you. Is there anything else you need?" Anna finally answered.

"No, I think that's all Anna. Thank you," Lady Mary repeated her gratitude once again.

* * *

John was not able to catch Anna alone until right before the servants' dinner. As he was descending the stairs, he spotted her approaching the servants' hall and called out to her. Anna turned immediately at the sound of John calling her, never tiring of the way he said her name. Anna beamed as she met him at the bottom of the steps. Both had so much to say to each other yet mere words would not be able to convey their feelings.

Anna locked arms with John as they walked towards the hall. Normally, they restrained from such contact inside the house, but neither wanted to this night. While they were still in the hallway and out of the others' earshot, John paused and looked down at her. He did not know if it was the knowledge that she was carrying his child, but she looked positively radiant.

"I love you," John said.

"I would hope so," Anna replied with a gentle laugh. John snorted in response, taken off guard by her cheeky comment.

"We'll have to celebrate later," John said with a twinkle in his eye. They reluctantly broke apart as they joined the rest of the staff at the table. Neither said much during the dinner. John barely ate; rather he stared at Anna in complete admiration. Anna noticed the look, and did her best to keep her eyes on her plate, blushing furiously at such blatant attention.

* * *

Anna and John held each other's hands – his left in her right – as they walked towards their cottage. Finally alone, they began to talk about the day's preceding. Anna reveled in the openness of their relationship since the end of his incarceration. While they still had to maintain decorum up at the house, they were free to talk about anything and everything once they were on their own. Sometimes, John regretted the many years of being secretive and cryptic with Anna. At the time, he thought it was for the best but had since learned the anguish it caused her.

"Why were you late returning to Downton?" John asked first, curious about the cause.

"I had my appointment after luncheon, but when I arrived, Dr. Clarkson had just left for an emergency. After an hour or so, I was tempted to reschedule but the nurse kept assuring me he would be back shortly. And I hated the prospect of waiting one more day to find out so I stayed. As the hour grew late, I knew I would have to leave by 5pm to make it back in time. Fortunately, he arrived at quarter till and was able to see me immediately," Anna explained.

John was grateful that Anna's tardiness was a result of merely waiting for Dr. Clarkson. He would not divulge to Anna all the possible scenarios he imagined.

"And is everything alright? What did Dr. Clarkson have to say?" John asked.

"Once he confirmed I was pregnant, he suggested a midwife I could contact for further consultation. Dr. Clarkson says I'm between three and four months. Once my stomach starts to grow, the midwife can give us a more exact date," said Anna.

"Did he make any suggestions? When should you leave Downton?" John asked. Many of these questions had been floating around John's head all day and he wanted to hear the doctor's advice.

"He said I should get plenty of rest and not to overexert myself with strenuous activities like lifting heavy objects. How long I work may be up to Lady Mary and Mrs. Hughes. But Dr. Clarkson said I can work as long as I feel comfortable," Anna responded, but she was a little concerned. It was hard for her to wrap her mind around the whole notion of leaving in the first place. She could not imagine a life without working at Downton Abbey and attending to Lady Mary.

"August," John blurted out.

"What?" Anna inquired.

"We'll have our child in August," John said with a smile and came to a halt. He kissed Anna. "I'll be a father in six months."

While that was a long time, it also felt so close. Anna thought about all of the things they would need to do before the baby arrived and all the decisions that would need to be made. And while Anna enjoyed children, the idea of being responsible for another life was daunting. "John, are you scared?"

"Terrified," He answered immediately, "But immensely happy."

"What if I'm not a good mum?" Anna asked tentatively.

John lightly shook his head back and forth. "Anna… I have many fears, but there is not a doubt in my mind that you will be a terrific and loving mother." He cupped her cheek with his hand. "You are the most patient and nurturing person I know. Every child you come across just adores you. And you look so natural whenever you are holding Reggie or Sybbie. In my unbiased opinion, you will be the best mother in the world. And our children will know love because they come from parents with such great affection," John replied, his eyes shining with his love for her.

Anna smiled at the reassurance. She assumed it was natural for a first time mother to worry about such things. "What scares you the most?"

"Well," John took a deep breath and confessed, "I'm too old. I won't be able to care for 'em and chase 'em round. And I'll be gone before our child is grown. And you both will be left alone to fend for yourselves." That thought bothered him the entire evening, but it was oddly nice to share it with Anna, "And I worry I'll be a horrible father."

Anna ran her other hand up and down his nearest arm, "I understand," Anna admitted, "But both Reggie and Sybbie had two young parents and now are left with one. If these last few years taught us anything, it's that you don't know what the future holds. And there's no one I would rather spend my future with then you. I know this baby will feel the same way."

John couldn't resist dipping his head down and pressing a chaste kiss to Anna's lips, and his wife's left hand grasped him around the neck, pulling him closer. The two broke apart after a few moments, smiling and gasping for breath, but smiling nonetheless.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_March 1922, 2 weeks later_

Anna had already changed into her nightgown and was in the midst of brushing her hair when she heard water draining from the tub in the bathroom. The old pipes made an awful noise as the water drained, but the sound was pleasing to Anna because it meant her husband had finished bathing.

"_Perfect timing_," Anna thought to herself as the bristles on her brush skimmed through her hair. She continued her efforts another minute before placing the brush on the dresser. She ran her fingers through her fine golden tresses, separating the strands. Her hands deftly braided the hair as she had done nearly every night of her life. Absent-mindedly, she tied a satin ribbon at the end of the long plait.

Anna continued with her nightly routine as she squeezed the lavender lotion onto her palm. As she worked the cream through her dry hands, John exited the bathroom. Anna beamed at her husband, only in his white undershirt and pants. His wet hair was neatly parted, and clearly just combed.

John observed his wife sitting at the small vanity. He much preferred her hair cascading down her shoulders, but even with her hair tied back, she looked absolutely flawless. Anna pumped more lotion on her hand and bent over towards her feet. As she bent, her gown slipped down her arm allowing John a view of the alabaster skin of her shoulder. A feeling a possession and adoration swept over John. This woman was his, entirely his, and he should worship the ground she walked on. As Anna began to lather her ankle, an idea struck John.

"Please, let me do that," John interrupted.

"What?" Anna asked, straightening back up with a confused look on her face.

"Let me pamper you. I would like to give you a proper foot massage," John explained. He walked over to the extra chair in the corner and grabbed it with his free hand.

As John made his way towards the vanity, Anna objected, "You really don't have to."

John placed the chair down next to her. "I know I don't _have_ to, but I want to. You can hardly refuse my request."

The idea of a foot massage intrigued Anna immensely. Even though it was still early days in her pregnancy, she noticed her feet aching after the long hours at work. "Alright, but some day, I get to return the favor," Anna relented.

John lightly tapped his good knee and Anna placed her right foot on his leg. He proceeded to tenderly brush his calloused fingers across her soft palm to retrieve the residual lotion. For a man with such large hands, he was incredibly gentle.

Her foot was cold at first touch. He applied the lotion from her toes to her ankle, amazed at how her petite foot fit neatly in his hand. As his fingers lightly traveled to the bottom of her foot, Anna squirmed slightly as she let out a small giggle. John would have to remember this ticklish spot for another time, but for now he avoided the sensitive area. He simply wanted her to relax and enjoy the experience.

All the while, Anna looked down at her husband as he worked, a light smile playing on his features. John's touch was intimate yet pure; and so very soothing.

John began to apply pressure to the ball of her foot, trying to relieve the tension. All the while, Anna hummed silently in appreciation with the occasional moan slipping from her lips. Using his thumb and forefinger, he rubbed each toe individually, utterly convinced that every part of his wife was beautiful. He glanced up to see her head was reclined on the seat back and her eyes shut. He was pleased his ministrations made her so serene. John spent several more minutes alternating between firm and soft touches, until he finally bent down and kissed the top of her foot.

"Next foot, milady," John said with the heat in his cheeks rising. "And I need more lotion." Calling her _milady_ transferred John back to an earlier time. It had been many years since that day Anna confessed her love. Even though John felt the same as she did, he dared not return her affection at that time. But he was sincere when he called her a lady. In his mind, no one could surpass her elegance, humility, and strength.

Anna replaced one foot for another on his lap and pumped the lotion into his palm. John practiced the same dexterity on the second foot, even working up her lower leg. His hands made a circular motion as he pressed into her well-defined calf muscles. Her legs were clearly toned from the years of constantly moving up and down the abbey. Part of John wanted to continue all night, but his own hands were beginning to cramp, unfamiliar with the repetitive actions. He continued for a minute more, ensuring he gave the foot the same amount of attention as the first. As John's hands stop, Anna's eyes reopened.

"Thank you so very much. That was just what I needed," Anna said as she removed her leg from his. She cupped his face and stared deep into his brown eyes. "You are truly wonderful."

"I'm pleased you'd enjoyed it. I can do it every night if you wish," John offered.

Anna closed the remaining space between them, brushing their noses together, and proceeded to kiss him, "Maybe not every night, but I definitely will request it again. How about you go warm up the bed? I'll brush my teeth and wash my face, _then_ I'll join you." She dragged her fingers through his coarse hair, completely dried by this time.

"Alright, don't leave me waiting long." John rose and grabbed the chair to return their bedroom to its orderly condition. Anna departed for the bathroom feeling completely relaxed.

John placed his cane by the nightstand and undid his side of the bed. He climbed into the sheets, not as frigid as some days, but still uncomfortably cold again against his warm skin. The coal furnace generally maintained a relatively comfortable temperature in their cottage, as long as he filled it to the correct level. But cold air always seemed to seep into the upstairs and settle decisively on the sheets. John generally shouldered the responsibility of warming up the bed. He could hardly complain, anything would be bearable after sleeping in the prison beds. After uneventful days, John was only able to look forward to a freezing stone cell and uncomfortable bed. The mattress was lumpy and the bedding itchy and thin. He was surprised he slept most nights, between his bad leg and the cold air, but sheer exhaustion eventually won out. At his room in Downton, chilly sheets nightly greeted him, but he never had the pleasure of Anna joining him there like he does now. Even when Anna placed her freezing feet against his freshly reheated legs, he never uttered one grievance to her. Sharing his bed with Anna had led to the best nights of sleep in his life.

John plumped up his pillows against the headboard and sat against them as he waited for his wife. He heard the muffled sound of the sink through the bathroom door. John had to admit, the foot massage went perfectly. He vowed to think of new ways to care for Anna as her pregnancy advanced. John heard the squeak of the bathroom door and turned towards his wife. She climbed into bed and smiled.

"I feel absolutely wonderful. Maybe you will have to give me massages every night," Anna kissed John with her minty breath.

Instead of situating her pillows, Anna opted to lay her head on the crook of John's shoulder. He snugged his arm around her waist, bringing her closer to him.

"It will be my pleasure," John replied and pressed his lips against her hairline.

"I finally wrote my mother to share the good news. I'm sure we'll hear back from her in a matter of days," Anna said. She had begun to draw lazy circles on John's chest.

John had wanted to bring up the topic of when to tell others, and Anna had given him the perfect opportunity. He had given it some thought, but they barely discussed it. When they had briefly talked about it, Anna had mentioned she wanted to inform her mother first.

Anna felt guilty about the manner her mother found out about her eldest daughter's wedding. Anna hardly felt she could put in a letter that she secretly married a divorced man arrested for murder. The plan initially was that John would travel with Anna to her house once he secured a day off with his Lordship. But instead, Mrs. Hughes accompanied Anna to the family farm. Even as both women vowed John was innocent and an honorable man, her mother was rightly devastated and confused. Mrs. Smith did not cast off her daughter altogether, but she did not embrace her decision to marry a man with a shadowy past either. Fortunately, Anna had been able to mend the relationship over the last two years and she felt she owed it to her mother to inform that she was expecting before anyone else.

John inquired, "And when shall we tell everyone at the house?"

"Eventually... soon, I guess," Anna responded. Now that her mother knew, there was no reason not to say anything to the others. Telling everyone would make it a reality, but even more so, it would change everything. Once everyone knew, there would be no turning back for Anna. And she had to admit there was something delicious about keeping the secret only between her and her husband. The thrill of John's knowing smile when their eyes met, and everyone completely unaware to the reason why. Secretly in love, secretly married, so to Anna, it only made sense to keep the pregnancy a secret.

"When?" John pressed, "I thought you could tell Lady Mary the same night I tell his Lordship. Then we could tell Mrs. Hughes together. Or would you prefer to tell Mrs. Hughes first?"

Anna took a deep breath and stopped her fingers from grazing her husband's chest as she removed herself from his hold. She sat herself up and looked into his face, "I haven't given it much thought because I don't feel right leaving Lady Mary. It's as if I'm abandoning her."

"You aren't abandoning her," John replied.

"But after everything she's been through. She has lost everyone she'd cared for, and now I'm leaving too," Anna continued, feeling as if she was on the verge of tears. Just minutes ago, she was entirely carefree, but now her emotions were running uncheck.

John repositioned himself to face Anna. He turned his body towards her and relaxed his head on his hand, "You will not be far away. You can always visit her,"

"It feels like abandonment to me," Anna responded quietly. Her heart ached at the prospect.

"Lady Mary cannot expect you to sacrifice your personal life for the sake of her happiness," John replied, harsher than he intended. Although he understood why she had spent so much time with her Ladyship the last few months, he still felt ignored at times. He did his best to bury the feelings of neglect, and it nearly worked; things were already turning around in the last month as he began to see more of his wife. And the excitement around the pregnancy caused John to forget any negative sentiments. But now these frustrations were resurfacing as he believed something that was truly supposed to be their moment, was being tarnished by concern over how Lady Mary would react.

Anna averted John's graze, she felt ashamed, yet slightly irritated. "And it's not just that. I'm afraid everyone will treat me differently. You're already fussing over me; I don't need a whole household watching my every step," Anna snapped back at him.

"I'm not trying to fuss, I just want to make sure you're alright," John said extra gently, trying to defuse the situation. He did not intend to start an argument and the last thing he would want to do was aggravate Anna. He exerted so much effort trying to help Anna relax that night and did not want to undo his progress. He smiled and lightly grabbed her hand, running his thumb up and down it, trying to show he was not upset.

"I'm pregnant, not an invalid. I know _you_ mean well, but I don't know about the others. I'm afraid they will either give me preferential treatment or complain because too many exceptions will be made for my comfort and concern for my health," Anna further explained. She noticed the effort in John's voice as he tried to calm her down. She took another deep breath and let herself enjoy the feel of John's hands on hers.

"You aren't letting the fear of Miss O'Brien's complaints keeping you from telling everyone?" John questioned, partially jokingly.

"No, she'll just find something else to grumble about," Anna replied back with a soft giggle. The frustrations were quickly dissipating and she felt in more control of her emotions. "But I want us to figure everything out before we start telling others. We need to decide how far along I should be when I quit work."

"Well, that may not be up to just us. I'm not sure how Mr. Carson will handle a pregnant servant," John responded.

Anna couldn't help but laugh at the idea of Mr. Carson. He handled the pregnancies of Lady Sybil and Lady Mary quite well, but he rarely interacted with them directly. And Mr. Carson took many precautions for the Crawley daughters and always warned the staff to treat them with extra care during their delicate state. Anna imagined the butler would be quite flustered with a pregnant woman downstairs and that he would most likely be fearful that she would somehow throw off kilter the delicate balance and order of Downton Abbey. Or perhaps, he would fear that the younger housemaids would want to follow Anna's example.

Anna continued her giggle. "Oh my, he won't handle it well at all; he is quite delicate, after all, isn't he?" John was relieved to hear his wife's joy and soon joined in with her laughs. He had to agree, it would be rather interesting watching the conservative butler manage Anna's situation.

"We can't wait much longer," John started. Ever so lightly, he placed his finger at the hem of Anna's nightgown. "I've already noticed a difference," he traced the outline of her thighs under her clothes. The most subtle of changes had occurred to Anna's body. He continued upwards and settled his hand momentarily on her stomach. Anna had always been petite, but John had noticed the smallest of bumps in her midsection. "And soon, others will be able to notice." Anna's breath hitched as John ran his fingers up her body. John grazed his fingers over the swell of her breasts, the first part of her anatomy that he detected a change. He further followed the top of her nightgown and up her long neck. His lips soon replaced his hand and he peppered her jaw line with kisses. "Or at least, I hope I'm the only one that has noticed," John mentioned between kisses. He felt her laughter in her throat.

Anna admitted to herself that John had a point. Her dresses were already beginning to feel snug, and she planned on letting them out a bit. However, she could only do so much to disguise the changes. Soon, her stomach would be growing at an alarming rate and even Daisy and Ivy would understand why. Just as Anna was beginning to enjoy the distraction of John's attention as he turned to her earlobe, she bolted up in surprise.

"What is it?" John asked as he pulled away from her.

Anna did not know how to explain it. She felt a sudden quiver in her stomach, or, better yet, a fluttering. It was quite small, but very distinct and quite unlike anything she had ever felt before. Anna placed her hand on her belly in realization. She tried to see if she could feel this sensation from the outside.

"I felt something…I think it might have been the baby!" Anna exclaimed, smiling, the tears were threatening to fall again, but this time, out of happiness.

Immediately, John placed his hands back on her stomach. Anna removed hers to give him a better feel. Disappointingly, he admitted, "I don't feel anything."

With a sweet smile, she placed her hands on his own. "I don't think you would. It was the smallest sensation ever, almost a swishing feel, but unlike anything I ever felt before."

John just beamed at his wife. The idea of his child, moving inside of her, gave him chills. All he could think is it wouldn't be long until he would be able to feel the baby kicking himself. With his hands still on her belly, he caught her lips in his own.

Anna knew she was pregnant, but it was unbelievable to feel her child within her for the first time. There was no turning back, so clearly they would need to tell everyone. All the other pieces of when she would leave and how her work load would change would fall into place once the others knew.

"I think I should tell Lady Mary first. Then we can inform Mrs. Hughes. She may have the best advice on how to break it to Mr. Carson," Anna said. "And perhaps a week from Friday?"

"Alright," John replied in agreement.

"I do enjoy it being our little secret, and want to keep it so for just a bit longer. And I should not get that much bigger in ten days, or at least, I would hope not," Anna explained. The inevitable was coming. Once Lady Mary's stomach began to grow, it did not stop. Anna knew it would not be too long until she was the size of a house, or at least felt that large.

Anna admitting she enjoyed keeping it secret did not surprise John. He had much of the same delight in the secrecy, but he was grateful that they now had a plan.

"A week from Friday it is," John repeated. "Good night, my love," he replied as he kissed her on the cheek. He repositioned his pillows and laid down facing the window.

Anna, instead, stared straight ahead. She knew she should get some sleep, but was fascinated by the new sensations in her stomach. Perhaps it felt like butterflies or bubbles, she had trouble even describing the feeling to herself. Eventually, she drifted off to sleep, with thoughts of her child on forefront of her mind.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to everyone that is reading and reviewing. I hope to continue to update on Sundays, but my school schedule is getting in the way. I will do my best to keep it on Sundays, but I apologize in advance for any delays. I have around 10 chapters planned, but there may end up being a few more, depending how the chapters developed. I do have to admit that reading reviews motivate me to write more (instead of doing my homework), so if you have any comments, praise, critique, questions, suggestions, please let me know._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

_1 week later, March 1922_

Anna began to stir as rays of lights peaked through the window. She did not hear John's heavy breathing or sense his warmth next to her. When she opened her eyes, she confirmed that he was already out of bed. Anna turned to the other side and saw the clock. On a normal day, John would be waking her in about 15 minutes. He was always the early riser and never had much need for an alarm clock. He would silently begin his day, allowing his wife a little extra time in slumber. But today, even though Anna had woken up a bit earlier than usual, she felt well-rested and in good spirits. The memories of the previous night crept into Anna's mind and she found it impossible not to smile.

As Anna rose out of bed, she heard the faucet in the bathroom and quickly deduced the location of her husband. She stretched her limbs, sighed softly, and found herself oddly drawn to John. As she pushed open the door, she saw him in midst of shaving. As John caught sight of her in the mirror, he raised his thick eyebrows in disbelief.

"What's a nice surprise," John said as he continued his task.

Anna smiled wryly as she made her ways towards him. John kept an eye on her as he continued his efforts. Anna wrapped her arms around his broad chest. The smell of shaving cream filled her nose as she got on her tip toes and began to nozzle his neck. The razor paused momentarily in John's hands and he enjoyed his wife's attention before he forged on. Anna was hoping to elicit more of a response so she began to focus her attentions on his earlobe, nibbling lightly, then softly blowing into his ear.

John's breath hitched as he found it completely impossible to continue. There was no denying that Anna could be quite racy at times and made his blood boil with desire. If Anna didn't stop, he would have no choice but to carry her off to bed.

"Woman, how do you expect me to ever finish shaving when you are doing that?" John finally interrupted her in a faked irritation.

A sweet giggle escaped her lips as she pulled away. John turned fully towards her and smirked, "What has gotten into you?"

Shaving cream covered the right side of his face so Anna brought her hand to his freshly-shaven side and relished in the smoothness of the skin.

"Well, last night was particularly enjoyable," Anna explained in a heady voice. Both lost themselves in the memories of the previous night. John again considered carrying her off to bed, but all they had time for was a hurried encore. Regretfully, he decided that now was not the time. Instead he brought his lips down to hers. As he broke apart, he noticed the smallest bit of shaving cream on her lip and smiled as he gently dabbed it away.

"I enjoyed it as well. But I really must get ready," he dismissed her lightly.

* * *

John reached for Anna's coat once he had put on his own. Anna was reviewing the cleaning list one last time before they left the house. With the arrival of the baby later in the year, they both realized they would need to prepare the cottage for the little one. And while cleaning out and painting the spare bedroom was on the list, the couple decided they needed to attack the rest of the house first. Anna's list was comprised of all of the chores that had been neglected in the past few months. She had championed the spring cleaning effort the previous year. While John would have willingly helped, Anna took care of the majority of the cleaning herself. But this year, John was adamant about doing the bulk of the work even though the amount of chores had doubled.

Anna placed the list on the fireplace mantel and headed to the door. John sweetly helped her into her coat.

"We have our work cut out for us this year," Anna said as John closed the door behind them.

"I should be able to tackle the worst of it today," John replied. It was his half-day off, but he had no plans of relaxing. "I also need to go to Ripon at some point to pick up Lord Grantham's new shoes. Hopefully, I will be dismissed as soon as his Lordship is settled this morning. I considered going to Ripon first thing, but now I think I will handle the cleaning first and go later this afternoon."

"Which bus will you take?" Anna asked. The couple was walking side by side as they took the well-traveled path to the abbey.

"The three-thirty. That should give me enough time to get the shoes and get back to Downton," John answered.

"Perhaps, I could talk to Mrs. Hughes and see if I might leave a few hours before luncheon. Then I could come and help you," Anna offered.

John shook his head in feigned frustration. Anna could be quite cute when she was being stubborn, "I thought it was decided. _I_ will handle the cleaning this year. Dr. Clarkson said you are not to overexert yourself. And you did the majority of the work last year, it's my turn."

"The list is twice as long this year," Anna responded.

"I can manage," John responded with confidence, like so many times before.

"Mister Bates, I know you can manage," Anna said while rolling her eyes. John caught her expression out of the corner of his eyes. John regularly defended his capability with the phrase "I can manage" or something of the sort. Anna enjoyed teasing him on this front because he often reassured her he could do things he should not attempt. She understood his pride regarding his physical limitations and had always been fiercely protective of any insults directed towards his limp. She just found it funny that he still found the need to defend himself with her. And use of his formal name added an extra element of jest to the interaction. After eight years of referring to him as Mr. Bates and being required to call him that at the household, Anna sometimes reverted to saying Mr. Bates when they were alone. But mainly whilst she was teasing her husband. John could not deny he had a particular soft spot for the way she drew out the long "a" in Bates.

"Well, Mrs. Bates, I thought you would appreciate me taking some responsibility around the house," John replied with a smug smile, aware of his wife's attempts at bantering.

"I do. But I'm warning you, if you keep spoiling me, I may never do a chore again," Anna replied with a clearly empty threat.

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," John said, and he lightly grabbed her hand as they continued on the path. Now that the manner was settled, they remained quiet as they took in their surroundings.

Downton had just come into view when suddenly, Anna stopped in her tracks, but strongly grasped John's hand. She felt incredibly light-headed and did her best to steady herself against her husband.

"What is it?" John asked, completely unnerved by the look on Anna's face.

Anna did not know what to say. Strange cramping in her lower abdomen caused her face to contort into a grimace. Even as the sudden pain abated, her stomach remained upset. She remembered the last time she was taken aback by a feeling in her abdomen, but this was not the same familiar sensation of the baby's movements. As Anna thought about it, it had been a day or so since she noticed the fluttering. What could it mean if she hadn't felt it? Was there something wrong? Her mother always said, "The mind has a way of making things worst." So perhaps she did feel it yesterday? The feeling would come and go so often, it become routine, and Anna barely noticed it anymore. She distinctly remembered Lady Mary suffering from back aches and feeling bloated during her pregnancy. Since Anna had never carried a child before, all of the new sensations were strange and slightly unnerving. But, she reasoned that the current discomfort was no cause for concern.

Anna explained, trying to convince John as much as herself, "A bit of a headrush, but it's better now."

Anna forced a smiled, but John noticed her coloring was still off. "Perhaps, I should take you home?" John offered, not entirely persuaded by Anna's defense.

"There's no need for that. And we're going to be late," Anna reasoned. She took a deep breath; by now, she barely noticed the dull ache in her abdomen.

Anna started making her way towards Downton again, and John had no choice but to follow.

"You should at least take it easy today," John partially requested.

Anna stopped walking again and turned to face him, "I can manage." Her tongue pressed against the back of her teeth as she smiled, giddy to use his defense against him.

"You would let me know if you couldn't though?" John asked reservedly. He did not want to be overbearing about her health, but he could not hide his concern.

"Yes," Anna paused again. She lightly kissed him. "Always," she vowed. And by this time, Anna had convinced herself that she was fine.

* * *

His Lordship dismissed his valet once he was dressed for breakfast. John was hoping to catch Anna while she was bringing or removing the tray from Lady Mary but he saw no sign of her. John made his way with his cane steady in his hand down the stairs in order to notify his superior of his departure. He quickly ducked into the butler's pantry to do so but Mr. Carson was not there. John passed a hall boy and politely acknowledged the lad as he made his way towards Mrs. Hughes' sitting room.

The door was slightly ajar and he could hear Mr. Carson's booming voice from within. John rapped his knuckles against the door and the housekeeper greeted him. To John's surprise, Anna was also in the room. His eyes twinkled as he fondly laid eyes on her.

"Mr. Bates, are you heading out now?" Mrs. Hughes asked.

"Yes, Lord Grantham dismissed me, so if you don't need anything, Mr. Carson, I was on my way," John answered, briefly looking at Mr. Carson before returning his eyes to Anna. John was trying to gauge if his wife had recovered from this morning's episode. He said nothing because he dared not draw any attention to Anna's health since the pregnancy was still a secret. But Anna smiled largely and her eyes shone brightly. There were no hints of pain in her expression and her coloring was back to normal. John felt quite relieved that everything seemed alright.

"Yes, yes, go ahead," Mr. Carson shooed him away with dismissively with a wave of his hand.

John did not make a move, instead his feet and cane stayed firmly on the ground as he eyed his wife. Clearly, he could not stay like this for long. Mrs. Hughes glanced from John to Anna several times and finally spoke up.

"Mr. Carson, I need your help in the store-room," Mrs. Hughes said firmly.

"You do?" Mr. Carson raised his bushy eyebrows at the suggestion. "With what, pray tell?" The butler was utterly perplexed why he would be needed in the store-room.

Mrs. Hughes sighed and opened her eyes wide, "You'll see." She did not elaborate anymore as she headed for the door.

Mr. Carson huffed impatiently at the housekeeper as he followed behind her. He left the door open, but Mrs. Hughes stepped back to close it tightly. John could have sworn Mrs. Hughes winked at Anna as the door shut. Mrs. Hughes always did have a soft spot for the couple. She would never allow inappropriate behavior between John and Anna, but she seemed to understand their appreciation of a little alone time.

"Are you feeling better?" John questioned lovingly.

"As a matter of fact, I am" Anna beamed. It was true that she was feeling better. Anna had felt no pain or twinge in her stomach since earlier in the morning.

After adjusting his cane onto his arm, John intertwined her fingers with his own. Their hands swayed lightly for a moment.

"I'm glad to hear that. Now I can go home with peace of mind," John responded cheerfully. He chastely pressed his lips against hers.

"I must be off," he said regretfully, but he felt entranced whenever he was with Anna. If he was not careful, he would stand, holding her hand all day, but he had a full workload at home.

"I'll see you before the dressing gong," Anna replied. She decided to concede to his request to not help clean.

And with one final smile, John left for home.

* * *

John could not deny he was exhausted after a long day of cleaning. He looked down at the list of chores and regretted how few had red checks next to them. He greatly underestimated the time it took to complete many of the tasks and definitely took for granted how Anna always did them with ease. He did pride himself in the fact that he finished Anna's most hated housework. She had a strong aversion to cleaning bathrooms. She dared not utter a complaint about the work, but John noticed she would always put them off as long as possible, as if hoping they would magically clean themselves.

John had spent nearly two hours working on the small bathroom. He scoured the mildew from the tub and stains from the toilet, polished all of the fixtures and faucets, and scrubbed the floor on his hands and knees. By the time he was finished, the room smelt strongly of disinfectant. John only stopped briefly to eat a sandwich. He was equally happy and saddened that Anna stayed at Downton for luncheon. He genuinely enjoyed any time with her, even if it meant seeing her only for a meal. But, he knew Anna would insist on helping if she came home. John felt this was the only time he would truly be able to relieve Anna from cleaning. Since she was a housemaid for so many years, she basically spent her life cleaning from dusk to dawn. And once their child would be born, Anna would be home all day tending to the infant and the house. Of course, John would offer to help, but he had an inkling that most things would be done by the time he got home.

John proceeded to dust every single room, moving furniture, books, lights, and everything else in the way. He got to every nook and cranny of each room, hoping to please Anna with his thoroughness. Once the air outside began to warm up in the afternoon, he took all of the rugs outside to beat them. Months and months' worth of dust sprayed him as he worked. After swatting rug after rug, he proceeded to clean the wooden floors. By the time he replaced the carpeting in each room, it was nearly three.

John was hoping to start on the kitchen, which was probably a half a day's work by itself, but did not have time before going to Ripon. He put down the list which had many more chores unchecked such as washing the windows, weeding the small garden, laundering the linen and bedding, and painting the second bedroom.

* * *

The order had arrived and John comfortably carried the shoe box neatly wrapped in paper under his free arm. He had nearly a half hour until the next bus left Ripon so he decided to head to the bus stop and rest his tired body. John was a block away from the bus stop when he noticed a quaint shop across the street with "Toy Shoppe" painted in faint letters above the door. He could not remember the last time he entered a toy store; he never had the need. But his impending fatherhood seemed like a perfect reason to at least peruse the selection. He was fascinated by the idea on laying eyes on a rocking horse or doll house he would have to eventually save up for to surprise his son or daughter.

A clang of the bell sounded as he pushed opened the door. "May I help you, sir?" A plump, aging woman asked from behind the counter.

"I'm just browsing, but thank you," John replied kindly.

The shopkeeper eyed his cane and appeared to be evaluating his age. John doubted he was her usual customer, but he shrugged it off.

He walked up and down the aisles, fascinated by the assortment. There were wooden train sets, balls of every shape and size, tops, and blocks, and so much more. The back wall was full of dolls with different hairstyles and dresses. He saw an auburn hair doll with a frilly dress that was identical to one that Sybbie carried around. On the side wall, John noticed stuffed animals of all different kinds.

A large sampling of teddy bears lined the front row. John smiled fondly at the animals. They were fluffy and comforting for any boy or a girl. John knew he probably should not splurge on such an item, but he liked the idea of surprising Anna with the first toy for their child. She would be touched by the gesture. With very little deliberation, John chose a light brown bear. It was medium sized with a nice yellow bow around its neck.

John felt quite elated as he made the purchase and headed towards the bus stop.

* * *

When he arrived back at the Servant's Hall, he was greeted by a controlled, but somewhat frantic Mrs. Hughes.

"Oh, Mr. Bates, there you are," Mrs. Hughes said, her tone was shaky and very unsettling. "Anna had a bit of a turn, but we have sent for Dr. Clarkson."

John's stomach dropped. News of Anna being unwell was the last thing he wanted to hear and he could not function without knowing more.

"What is it? Where is she?" John croaked. His mouth was extremely dry and he swallowed hard as more questions came to mind.

"She's in Lady Mary's bedroom and Lady Mary is with her. I have not seen her myself, but Lady Mary said Anna fainted and to send for a doctor. Her Ladyship has been very insistent about waiting for you," Mrs. Hughes explained as calmly as she could. But she noticed the fear in John's eyes.

"Mr. Bates, we have no reason to believe anything is seriously wrong with Anna," Mrs. Hughes tried to comfort him, but she had been on pins and needles waiting for Dr. Clarkson.

"But what about the baby?" John muttered aloud. He was frozen to his spot, his dizzying mind not allowing him to function. He wanted to run to be by Anna's side and make everything better again.

Mrs. Hughes' face dropped at the mention of a baby and she felt sick with concern and distress for the man in front of her and what he must be feeling after already suffering so much heartache in his past. She could only do her best to check her emotion and be a source of strength and reason for John while they waited to hear news from the doctor.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Warning, this chapter may be quite upsetting. Anna does suffer a miscarriage. The scene is not too graphic, but it is definitely a sad chapter. My idea for this story came out of a discussion with a friend of what drama/storyline could Anna and John face in series 4. We discussed some unlikely series 4 scenarios that will hopefully never come to fruition (such as an horrible illness, infidelity, John relapses with alcohol, death). And I considered Anna could be barren, but Mary/Matthew just went through something like that in series 3 and barren means there could never be a baby. Hopefully, Julian Fellowes does nothing of the sort and there are lots of Baby Bates's. _

_While the miscarriage itself is quite heartbreaking, I thought it would be interesting to see a role-reversal between Anna and John. I wanted to explore a situation where Anna finally lost all hope and John had to comfort her. So this is the chapter that was the inspiration for the story. The first few chapters were mainly just a bit of fun to show their life together in the cottage, but I wanted to share them with you. I also had a bit of fun with the beginning of this chapter, as you will hopefully see by a character's joke. The next few chapters will be sad, but I promise the epilogue will be quite happy. Also, unfortunately, school is demanding more of my attention than I would prefer. I will try to update the story as much as I can, but it probably won't be until my spring break later this month. The updates will probably not be published exclusively on Sundays, but instead, when I finish the chapters. Thanks to everyone who's been reading and reviewing._

* * *

**Chapter 6**

_Earlier the same day_

Anna ate lunch silently amidst the clatter of the servants' hall. Her thoughts traveled to her husband in their cottage as she glanced at his vacant seat. She pondered ways to reward him for his long day of housecleaning. But suddenly, her jaw clenched tightly as another spasm ran through her abdomen. The day had truly cycled through some ups and downs. She awoke so fresh and relaxed, but the episode earlier had put a damper on her morning. Anna felt recovered around the time John departed, but now she had taken another turn. She took a deep breath as she tried to engage in the conversations around her.

Across the table, Alfred was talking excitedly about the cinema with Jimmy and Thomas. Anna had been to the pictures only a handful of times, but the tall footman was quite an aficionado and kept up to date with all of the film releases.

"It's called _Moriarty_. I always read _Sherlock Holmes_ as a lad and would love to see it," Alfred explained, smiling ear to ear.

"I never cared much for that trite series. A bit overrated if you ask me," Jimmy sneered. The two footmen had become closer over the last year and a half, but they still enjoyed one upping each other. Anna figured young male coworkers would always have a bit of competition between each other. She noticed the pain had abated but her stomach still felt bloated. She tried her best to distract herself with the footmen's interactions, but her thoughts were stuck on herself.

Alfred replied unfazed, "Ahhh, but the suspense and the ways he put the pieces together. Growing up, I was convinced I was going to be a detective."

"I wouldn't trust you as a detective. You would send an innocent man swinging from the gallows," Jimmy slipped. Mr. Carson coughed on his stew as Jimmy mentioned gallows. Jimmy clearly did not realize the implication of what he said until it was too late.

Anna did not fully register the words until she noticed everyone around the room collectively holding their breath and staring at her. The younger staff never broached the subject of John's imprisonment, avoiding the topic like the plague. Anna was not offended by Jimmy's comment because it was not directed towards her or Mr. Bates. Jimmy was not at the house during the trial and did not fully understand the gravity of his words. But she noticed those around her were gauging her reaction and her long face gave the indication that she was upset.

In order to break up the tension, Anna forced a smile and said, "Alfred, if you need any pointers with investigating, I can give you a few."

Thomas took this opportunity to help lighten the mood and said, "Anna Bates Investigates." Most of the room chuckled at the play on words; Anna herself was one of the loudest. The comments by Anna and the under-butler did enough to defuse the situation and soon the staff were back to chatting on a different subject.

* * *

Anna spent most of the mid-afternoon mending the cuff on one of Lady Mary's blouses in the servants' hall. Currently, she was alone because Miss O'Brien and Thomas had just left for a cigarette. Anna was finding it difficult to keep her hand steady. The aches were coming more often now, but it was never severe, more of an inconvenience. Anna dropped the sewing needle on the table and placed her hand on her front. If she was not feeling better tomorrow, she would go see Dr. Clarkson for some medicine for her upset stomach. Anna tried to remain positive, but fears kept nagging the back of her mind. She continued her efforts on the blouse, but did not notice a bell ringing on the wall or the return of Miss O'Brien.

"Anna" Miss O'Brien called, but Anna was stuck in her thoughts.

"Lady Mary's ringing," barked Miss O'Brien. "Anna, you're needed upstairs."

Anna snapped back to reality and stood up with the blouse. "Right, thanks," she said quietly as the older Lady's maid scowled at her. Anna scurried up the stairs.

Anna briefly paused outside of Lady Mary's room as she cleared her mind. Years of servitude had taught her how to bury her own troubles and focus on her mistress.

Anna gently knocked and opened the door. Since Mr. Crawley's death, Lady Mary had moved back into her old bedroom. The Lady's maid could fully understand why the change was made. Mary turned towards Anna as she entered the room. Anna observed a considerable amount of spittle and milk down the front of the Ladyship's dress. Additionally, Mary's usually neat bun was quite disheveled in several places. And while most would scoff at Mary's appearance, Anna admired the way her Ladyship cared so lovingly for her son.

"Anna, I tried to salvage the outfit, but it was no use," Mary explained. Rather than being ashamed of her appearance, Mary held her head high. She placed her delicate fingers towards her hair and noticed the drooping locks. "And Reggie has become quite fascinated with my hair and earrings." Anna noticed that the gold pendants had disappeared from her ears.

Anna smiled at Mary. "I can fix you right up. It's a bit early to change for dinner, would you want to wear a tea gown until then?"

"That should be fine," Mary responded. Anna placed the mended blouse in the closet and selected a simple gown. Mary nodded at the choice. As Anna undressed her Ladyship, she was careful to prevent the stain from touching anything else. She would have to launder the article of clothing immediately. She replaced the discarded article with a fresh outfit. But even with such a routine task, Anna felt a bit unsteady on her feet and hoped that would soon pass.

Mary sat at her vanity and Anna worked at fixing her hair. Mary was hardly paying attention as her maid ran the brush through her hair. Just as her locks were pinned back, Mary looked in the mirror and noticed Anna's coloring was quite off. Just as she was about to ask Anna if she was well, she noticed Anna's eyes roll to the top of her head as she fainted. Mary immediately went to the floor to help her maid.

"John, John," Anna continuously mumbled in her half aware state. Mary supported her head as Anna slipped in and out of consciousness.

"It'll be alright, I'll find Mr. Bates," Mary responded, trying to comfort her.

Anna's eyes opened slowly and she instinctively placed her hand on her stomach. "The baby," Anna said weakly.

At the mention of a baby, Mary's eyes traveled down Anna's body and her heart skipped a beat when she noticed a bit of blood pooling beneath her maid. She recognized the severity of the situation and realized she would need to get help.

"Anna, I'll be right back. Don't move," Mary commanded. She did not want Anna trying to get up and fall again. But judging by the condition she was in, Mary doubted that was a concern.

As Mary went out into the hall, she came across Tom nearly immediately.

"Tom, come quick," Mary beckoned and Tom followed her into the bedroom. Tom's eyes instantly fell on Anna, still lying on the floor.

"What happened?" He asked.

"She fainted. I need help getting her to bed," Mary explained.

Tom nodded and began to walk towards her, but Mary grabbed his arm.

"She is with child," Mary explained, wanting to stay in the present tense.

Tom suddenly became aware of the blood as Mary removed her grasp. Carefully, he crouched down and lifted Anna up. Mary made to assist him, but he simply shook his head as he cradled her petite body.

"How far along is she?" Tom asked as he walked towards the door. He assumed she would be placed in a spare bedroom.

"Wait," Mary stopped him, "Place her in my bed."

Tom followed her command and walked towards the grand bed.

Mary spoke up, "I don't know how far along she is, I only just found out. I don't even know if Bates knows." Mary was slightly shaken by the prospect of informing Bates about his wife's condition.

Mary pulled back her comforter as Tom gingerly placed Anna on the sheets. Anna's eyes were half opened as she remained semi-conscious.

Mary regained command of the situation, "You must go tell Mrs. Hughes that Anna has fallen ill and to telephone Dr. Clarkson."

"I'll pick him up myself," Tom offered.

"Alright. And have Mrs. Hughes send Bates up. Don't mention anything about the baby to anyone. Bates deserves to find out first," Mary explained. She did not want the whole household to know about Anna before the valet heard. That information would be hard enough to handle without hearing it second-hand.

* * *

Mrs. Hughes took the lead up the stairs. John willed his legs to move faster but it felt like he would never cover the distance from the servants' hall to Lady Mary's bedroom. He longed to see Anna and know that she was alright. They could take on anything if they were together. He was slightly unnerved that Mrs. Hughes was not allowed to see Anna. He felt a sense of foreboding as he followed behind the housekeeper.

Mrs. Hughes knocked gently on Lady Mary's door as John stood impatiently behind her.

"It's Mrs. Hughes. I have Mr. Bates with me," the housekeeper announced their presence. She came up earlier alone but was denied entrance.

After a moment, the door opened and Dr. Clarkson stepped out. He immediately closed the door behind him. John barely caught a glimpse of a body, clearly Anna's, in bed, but she was hidden behind Lady Mary's slim frame.

"Is she…" John could not think of the words to properly formulate the question.

"Mrs. Bates should make a full recovery," Dr. Clarkson declared before pausing.

John's mind eased slightly but the look on the doctor's face he was not quite finished and that he was about to deliver some bad news. John's throat tightened as he waited for the rest. Every second seemed like an eternity as the uncertainty weighed heavily in his chest.

Dr. Clarkson continued, "But the child has been lost."

He heard a sharp gasp from Mrs. Hughes. John lost any relief for Anna that he felt only a moment ago. Their child was gone before they even had a chance to meet him. But as the anguish of the loss overwhelmed his heart, all John could think about was Anna. Even if she would physically recover from the ordeal, she would be utterly heartbroken.

"May I see my wife?" John tried to ask as calmly as possible but his eyes began to water.

Dr. Clarkson sadly shook his head, "Not yet, the ordeal is not quite over."

John did not understand; He clearly needed to be with his wife at this moment. And then John heard a muttered yell through the door. Immediately he knew the sound had emanated from Anna's lips and it brought him back to the most dark and hopeless moment of his life. The sound distinctly resembled the anguishing shriek Anna made at his guilty verdict, it was a pain-riddled cry that had haunted his nightmares for months afterwards. He feared for Anna's state again, this time he worried about the physical pain she may be experiencing, as well as the emotional toll.

"Is she in labor?" John asked tentatively.

"Not in the traditional sense. But, essentially, yes. At this stage of the pregnancy, since she is beyond four months, it would be closer to a stillbirth than a full-term delivery." Dr. Clarkson explained. Another muffled cry escaped Lady Mary's room. "She is experiencing some labor pain."

John felt as if he was going to be sick. Anna had to experience the pains of childbirth and would be rewarded with nothing but heartbreak for her efforts.

"I would like to see my wife," John asserted.

"I don't recommend that. From my experience, it would be best if you were not there," Dr. Clarkson advised.

"I need to be with her," John pleaded with the doctor. John would face whatever was behind that door if it meant being there for Anna. But John noticed Dr. Clarkson exchanged a look with Mrs. Hughes.

"Mr. Bates, perhaps we should go downstairs," Mrs. Hughes offered, finally breaking her silence.

John was not a child. He had seen enough horrible things in his life, between war and prison, and would be able to handle this. But before John could further his cause, the nurse opened the door.

"Dr. Clarkson, it's time, we need you," the nurse frantically exclaimed.

Dr. Clarkson ducked back inside the room and closed the door behind him. John would not distract the doctor from attending to Anna.

"C'mon, Mr. Bates, let's wait in the servants' hall," Mrs. Hughes kindly suggested, but John did not move.

"I'm staying here. I may not be in there with her, but I cannot abandon Anna, not now." After prison, John vowed he would never leave Anna again, and he had no plan of breaking that promise.

Mrs. Hughes recognized the resolve in the valet's eyes and made no more suggestions to leave. Instead, she replied, "Alright, I'm staying here as well."

Anna made another sound of anguish and John felt as if the pain of the situation had punched him in the stomach. He stepped back against the cool wall, mainly to remain upright. He looked down at his hands and realized he still had the bag with the teddy bear. It felt a lifetime since he had made that purchase and clearly Anna could now never learn of its existence.

John regretted not being in there with her, supporting her, holding her hand. Witnessing it would be hard, but leaving Anna to fend for herself was inexcusable. Part of him wanted to burst right in there to be with her, but fear was holding him back. No matter how hard he willed himself to open the door, he was paralyzed to his spot.

The time was getting closer as Anna's yells came closer together. With each yell, John body's lowered down the wall until finally he was seated on the floor with his knees raised. His legs could not support his weight now even if he wanted them to. The tears were threatening to fall but the fact that he was in the hallway did not escape his notice. He soon found it was a losing battle as his sobs erupted from his body. John's heart felt as if it was being ripped from his chest and he had no way of making it stop. He could not even imagine the physical and emotional anguish his dear, sweet Anna was currently experiencing. He clearly was putting on quite a display, body convulsing as he cried, but Mrs. Hughes said nothing. Instead, she calmly put her hand on his back, showing solidarity in his pain. And all the while, no one else came upon them. Mr. Carson had clearly given the staff instructions to give the corridor a wide berth and Mr. Branson must have done the same with the family.

One last utterance came from Anna and then there was total silence. John noticed his own sobs had stilled, but the pain was only beginning. He needed to see Anna**—**his strength and salvation. Everyone has their limits, but how could he face her knowing the sorrow she must be experiencing? Mrs. Hughes offered to help him to his feet, but John slowly rose on his own. They both waited for the door to open, and after a few minutes, the nurse walked out.

"Mr. Bates, you can come in now," said the nurse.

As John walked in to face his wife, Mrs. Hughes looked down at the parcel he had left behind. A small teddy bear looked up at her through the brown paper. She looked down at the stuffed animal's face, contemplated the sentimentality of Mr. Bates' kind gesture, and could maintain her composure no longer as violent sobs overtook her.


	7. Chapter 7

As soon as John entered Lady Mary's room, his eyes were fixed on his wife. Perhaps there was a voice that sounded a bit like Lady Mary dismissing everyone and perhaps there were others hurriedly scooting past him towards the door. But John took no notice of that, his focus was purely on Anna. She clearly did not realize her husband was in her room. John tried to call out to her, but his voice got caught in his throat. Anna was not in her uniform, but a white night-gown that was not her own. She was tucked neatly in Lady Mary's bed, but did not utter a sound. Any sign in the room of the previous hours were gone as clean linen clung to the bed. Anna's body was hunched over, and her eyes were fixated to her hands laying on her stomach. John noticed no tears on her cheek, but he could not see her eyes.

He noticed a chair by the side of the bed, presumably the chair Lady Mary used while holding Anna's hand. John cursed himself; he should have been in there with her. Instead, he cowered in the hall and let her face it without him. John's presence in the room may have not been proper, but he vowed to never leave her side after his release from prison. His heart ached as he progressed towards Anna. He had never known her to look so fragile, as if any wrong move would make her crumble. His Anna was strong, held her head up high, and optimistic in the direst circumstances. But as he looked at her now, all he saw was anguish.

The sight was unnerving, but John took a deep breath as he made his way around the bed. The room was silent; too silent. His heart was pounding in his ear and yet he could not hear Anna's breaths.

Finally, John broke the silence and called out, "Anna." He pleaded her name, as if begging her to be alright. Anna's head snapped up as she registered his presence. Her blank face did little to soothe his fears. If anything, the emptiness in her expression made him worry more. As Anna found his eyes, her emotional shield seemed to lift. The tears quickly welled up in her eyes and her lip quivered uncontrollably. John reached down towards her.

"Oh John," Anna cried as she crumbled into his chest. Her sobs cut harshly through the air. After a moment, he readjusted his position to allow Anna to lay her head on his shoulder. The sharp pains emanating from his bad knee was the least of his concerns; all that mattered was that he was comforting Anna. John held her in his arms, refusing to let her go. He knew in the coming days, he would have to be strong for Anna, but his own sounds of suffering joined Anna's. His tears quickly blurred his vision so he clenched his eyes closed. John had no control over his emotions as he cried. Eventually, Anna turned her head into his neck, weeping into his collar. Her sobs were muffled by the fabric, but it did little to hide her heartbreak.

Soon, the physical pain of his knee demanded his attention. Slowly, John broke apart from his wife and grabbed the chair. Once he was settled, he brought his hand up to her cheek. John looked at Anna, entirely battered by the experience. Her eyes were red and puffy and tears continued to fall. He rubbed his thumb under her eye, trying to dry some of the tears. John surveyed her usually neat hair, noticing it was quite unkempt as pieces laid loose around the frame of her face. Even her neck was red and blotchy from the ordeal. The sight of Anna in this state did not make her any less beautiful to John, but it broke his heart. She had to experience the exertion of labor and anguish of a miscarriage. His fingers soothingly moved some of the errant hairs behind her ears as his thumb caressed her jawline. John only stared in silence, knowing nothing he could say would fix the situation. He was at a complete loss for words and he felt these small gestures of affection were doing little to help.

Not knowing what else to say, John looked deeply into Anna's eyes and said the only thing that felt right.

"I love you," John said with as much devotion as he could muster.

John removed his hand from her face and grabbed onto her hand. He brought it up to his lips and lightly kissed it. He felt his own tears coming back as he lowered his hand again. But John refused to remove contact from Anna. John remembered how many times Anna's touch had comforted him.

In particular, the day of his prison release came to his mind. Although immensely glad to be free, John was apprehensive about returning to the house. For an entire year, he dreamed of the moment he would be in his wife's arms again. But he felt a bit out of sorts on the car ride to Downton. Part of him doubted it was even real, fearing it was just some cruel dream that he would wake up from in his dank prison cot with no one but the disdainful Craig to keep him company. But the kiss, the embrace, his Anna, it all had to be real. But the reality of the situation was that he was returning to a world that had moved on without him.

He no longer had a job and feared the staff would think the worst of him. Anna had informed John about the new staff, and he believed they would be frightened and uneasy around the convicted murderer. But most of all, John worried how his friends and superiors back at Downton would receive him. The only staff members he had seen since the day of his arrest were Mrs. Hughes and Miss O'Brien at his trial. John did not utter one of these fears to Anna, but she seemed to read his uncomfortable expression. Try as he might to smile, he could not shake the uneasiness on his own. Yet Anna continuingly caressed his arm, squeezed his hand, and did everything in her power to reassure him. At one point, she seemed to have read his mind as she smiled brightly and told him everyone would be so happy to see him.

Even as they arrived in the servants' hall, Anna refused to let him go and John was very gracious for that. After being denied her touch for so long, it was nice to indulge in the smallest pleasures. And Anna's loving presence remained a constant for him that entire day. The walk to the cottage hand in hand, the occasional stolen kiss, and every little one of Anna's actions told John that he was loved. Her contact steadied and calmed him, and now he longed for his touch to do the same for her. For the next hours, John alternated between holding her hand and embracing her body. The tears would come and go for both of them, but neither uttered a single word.

When John arrived, the sun was preparing to set through the windows. Now, John and Anna sat in pitch darkness. Part of him thought he should turn on a light, but the other part hoped his wife would fall asleep and escape their nightmare for a while. John sat in the chair, grasping her hand, but felt his eyes growing heavy. He felt too guilty to sleep while Anna was still awake, in case she would need him. Anna sat very erect against the headboard, staring straight ahead. John could distinctly see her outline in the darkness and could tell her eyes were still opened. But the evenness of her breaths and lack of sobbing also told him she was no longer crying.

John held her hand dearly throughout it all. His head rested briefly on the bed, but snapped up when he heard a knock on the door.

"Hello?" John heard tentatively from the door. It sounded as if it was Mrs. Hughes. John leaned back and switched on the lamp on the night stand. As light filled the room, John saw Mrs. Hughes standing at the door with a tray. John rose to his feet, and Mrs. Hughes looked at him.

"I hope I didn't wake you, I brought you both something to eat." Mrs. Hughes said tentatively. At this point, John broke apart from Anna. As he looked back at his wife, he noticed the vacancy in her expression. Anna did nothing to acknowledge the fact that Mrs. Hughes was in the room. Instead, she remained rigid.

"Thank you, that was very kind," John said politely as possible. He made his way towards the housekeeper. Neither Anna nor John had eaten since luncheon, having skipped dinner and tea. But John did not have much of an appetite. Mrs. Hughes lips twisted into a sort of half-smile once he stood in front of her. John looked at the tray with two bowls of beef stew, a bit of bread, and two glasses of water. Normally, beef stew was one of his favorite dishes, but the smell of meat and seasonings only made his stomach churn. John fought back his nausea and forced a smile as he grabbed the tray. He mumbled another thanks haphazardly.

"I will also prepare the bedroom for the evening," Mrs. Hughes stated, matter-of-factly.

"That won't be necessary," John reasoned, "I can take care of it for her. There's no need for you to go through the trouble."

"Mr. Bates, it will be no trouble. I'll just get the fire going to warm up the room and draw the curtains shut. It will only take a few moments," Mrs. Hughes explained.

John felt in little mood for arguing, but he still felt as though he was taking advantage of Mrs. Hughes. The tasks she set out to do were far below the station of housekeeper. Some young housemaid should have been sent up to do it, but John liked the idea of that even less. He did not want Anna to be seen in such a delicate state. He decided that perhaps it would be best to let Mrs. Hughes take care of the fire and curtains.

John walked back towards Anna who was still staring straight ahead. He gently placed the tray on top of her legs. She glanced down confusedly at the bowl for just a moment and then looked up again. John did not want to press her to eat if she was not in the mood. He grabbed one of the bowls and spoons and sat down on his chair. Mrs. Hughes carried on with stoking the fire and occasionally peeked in their direction. John forced himself to eat the stew, even though it tasted like ash as he swished it around his mouth. John thought in his current state, even his favorite chocolate biscuits would taste like rubbish, but he continued on anyways. He did not want Mrs. Hughes to go through all this trouble in vain. John mainly swirled his spoon around and picked up very little to bring to his mouth. Finally, he resigned himself to the fact he would not be able to eat anymore so he placed the bowl, still half full, on the nightstand. He glanced up at Anna and saw that she had not eaten a single bite. The housekeeper moved onto the curtains, closing them tightly. Mrs. Hughes looked around the room one last time to ensure everything was in order. Apparently satisfied, she walked towards the door and John rose to his feet to acknowledge her departure.

"If you need anything else, please just ring," Mrs. Hughes offered. John opened his mouth to make a rebuttal but Mrs. Hughes interrupted, "That I insist on. Do not hesitant. Everyone has strict instructions to notify me if the bell rings so no one else will be interrupting you. And don't let that dissuade you. You can wake me at any hour."

John only nodded. Now it all made sense why Mrs. Hughes herself came up to prepare the fire. She did not want other members of the staff to invade on their grief. As John looked at the housekeeper, he could tell that even she felt uncomfortable around them, but she did her best to mask it under kindness. The entire scenario seemed bizarre. Throughout the years, he would have the fleeting fancy of what life would be like in the grand bedrooms with servants on call. They never lasted long, but he enjoyed thinking about things from new perspectives. Now that he was in that exact scenario, with Mrs. Hughes one ring away, he would do anything to be out of it. He just wanted to be in his cottage, with his wife, and have the entire day erased from existence. John chided himself. He knew better than most about living with regret. Wishing the day away would do nothing to change the situation. The only choice would be to keep moving forward.

"Thank you," John responded. With that, Mrs. Hughes left and John sat back down. With the help of the light on the nightstand, John saw that red rings still surrounded Anna's eyes. Her blues eyes remained glassy yet there were no tears. Her food remained untouched, and steam no longer rose up from the stew. John gently hunched over Anna and grabbed the tray.

"I'll remove this. Let me know if you want something later," John explained his actions to Anna. "I'm going to clean up a bit." John could only imagine how Anna was feeling, but he just wished she would have something to say, even if it was only trivial. He proceeded to grab his bowl and place it on the tray. He discarded it onto a table on the other side of the room.

As he walked over to the nightstand, he said, "I'm going to turn this off, it'll be best of we both get some sleep." John looked at Anna earnestly. He did not expect her to respond, but it was still disheartening to be answered with complete silence. John turned off the lamp and huddled over his wife. He lightly brushed his lips against her forehead.

"Anna, I love you so much," John reaffirmed.

John returned to his seat in the darkness and held onto her hand. He had planned on staying up with her for a while, but sheer exhaustion soon won out and his head hit the bed as he fell fast asleep.

* * *

John was generally a light sleeper, so the creak of the door woke him up. His neck protested his movements, and he began to open his eyes. The room was being filled with light from the hall. As he looked up, he saw Anna. John was initially confused why he was sleeping on a chair in a room that was not his own. But as he proceeded to blink the tiredness out of his eyes, he remembered where he was and why he was there. His hand was still clasped firmly around hers. He peered up at Anna again and realized she was awake. Perhaps the sound of the door woke her as well, but John had a feeling she had been awake most of the night.

John's curiosity finally got the better of him as he looked at the door. The housekeeper had returned, but clearly the hour was very late. After a glance at his watch, he saw that it was after 2 am.

"Mr. Bates?" Mrs. Hughes called quietly.

All of sudden John realized he should not still be in the room. Even thought they were married, it was improper for him to spend the night with her at Downton. John had been so focused on being there for Anna, he did not even think of the impropriety. John had no choice; he would have to leave Anna for the night. Begrudgingly, he walked towards the door.

Once he was within whispering distance, John quickly apologized. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Hughes. I shouldn't still be here. I'll head to my bedroom now,"

"Mr. Bates, that won't be necessary. Were you sleeping in the chair?" Mrs. Hughes asked. John nodded in reply. Mrs. Hughes continued, "Now, that couldn't have been very comfortable. Perhaps, you should join Anna?"

"But, won't Mr. Carson mind?" John replied. He would greatly prefer lying next to Anna in bed, cradling her body, but he did not want to offend anyone. Clearly, in the state Anna was in, nothing inappropriate would happen between them. But John did not think he was in the position to warrant it acceptable.

"No, I can assure you, no one will bother you on that front," Mrs. Hughes confirmed.

John cleared his throat. He was curious as to why the housekeeper had entered the room at such a late hour. He asked, "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"I wanted to check on you both one last time tonight. Sorry if I woke you, and please, go to bed." Mrs. Hughes said with a tired smile. John doubted she slept yet and she would need to be waking up in a few hours.

"Good night, Mrs. Hughes," John said politely. With one final smile, Mrs. Hughes left again. John walked back to the bed, removed his jacket and trousers, then climbed in next to his wife. Anna seemed to sense his presence as she lowered from the headboard and turned her back to him. John's arms wrapped around her as he brought himself close to her. Memories of the day began to flood John's mind. Without meaning to, he began to cry again. Fortunately, his sobs were silent and unable to bother Anna, but he could do nothing to stop the tears from falling.

* * *

_A/N: This chapter was a bit of a challenge for me because there's not much dialogue or story development, but I felt it was necessary to show the state they were in. Anna will be a bit out of character for this and the next few chapters. I feel that she had been so strong during all of the other problems, but finally, her spirit is broken. I hope the chapter wasn't too boring, I'm not very good at being descriptive and I'm usually too wordy so I'm usually better when there's more dialogue. The next few chapters will remain sad, but they will have some interactions between other characters with John and more of him comforting Anna. Probably for the majority of the chapters, Anna's point of view will not be used. This way, the reader can be as perplexed as John as to what she is thinking. _


	8. Chapter 8

_The Following Morning_

John woke up in the darkness with his body pressed firmly against his wife. John was unsure if Anna was awake, but the hour was very early. John felt as if he just closed his eyes after Mrs. Hughes' final departure. He realized that between the stiffness in his knee and heaviness in his heart, he would not be returning to slumber anytime soon so he may as well start his day. He had always been able to function on very little sleep so today would be no different. John gingerly lifted his arm from Anna's body, and she did not shift from her spot. He turned on the lamp and sighed in relief because his wife remained asleep. The clock read five minutes til five. John had enough time to slip upstairs and bathe before the other servants began to rouse. The filth of the cottage still hung on him, and a warm bath would do wonders for his aching body. He hated to leave Anna in case she woke, but now seemed like the best opportunity. John gently left the bed, turned off the light, and redressed in his clothing from the previous day. With one final look at Anna, he left for upstairs.

Less than an hour later, John had returned freshly shaved and in a new outfit. The room took on a grayish hue as light from daybreak crept in through the curtains. John seated himself next to the four-poster bed and stared at his still sleeping wife. He always enjoyed watching Anna in slumber, and today was no exception. Yet, this particular morning, John found his wife eerily vulnerable. He prayed that she at least found some peace in her sleep because he had no idea how to fix the nightmare that their life had become. For himself, he realized he would have to keep moving forward and continue on his daily routine. Clearly Anna would be out of work for a few days to recover, and John did not want to leave the household short two senior staff members. He felt guilty leaving Anna alone, but John saw no other alternative. He was not relieved of his duty so he must perform his work. And he hoped that returning to normalcy would aid in recovering from the heartbreak. John had enough experience to realize he should not let himself wallow in self-pity. John had taken that path too many times before and feared his doubts would defeat him this time. During this particular time of crisis, he would need to be a source of strength for Anna despite having depended on her resilience in the past.

Anna's eyes fluttered a bit before she opened them fully. She looked at her husband confusedly and immediately shut her eyes tight as she remembered what had happened. But when Anna opened her eyes again, there were no tears. John hated the sense of vacancy in her expression because Anna's eyes were meant to light up and sparkle. As he bore into her blue eyes, they only seemed cold and distant causing John to shudder slightly.

John mustered up the strength to talk to his wife, something he never thought would be a challenge with Anna. "How are you feeling?" He asked quietly.

Anna's shoulders shrugged slightly, but otherwise, she gave no indication that she had heard him.

"Are you hungry?" John pressed on and his wife barely shook her head. John himself did not feel very hungry, but the servants' breakfast would begin shortly and he would need some sustenance if he planned on going forward with his day.

"I was going to dress his Lordship this morning and I may first go downstairs for breakfast. But if you need me to stay here with you, I will. Will you be alright if I go?" John asked.

Anna only looked at her husband blankly and did nothing. Finally, she turned her back to him. John tried his best to not be hurt by the interaction, but it did little good. He began to cry softly as he worried about Anna's well-being. His thoughts soon turned to their child and the grief became over-whelming. John brought his hands up to his eyes and began to rub them. He cursed his weakness and the entire situation. He took a deep breath and stalled his crying. He would not be able to interact with the household if he was a blubbering fool. But John stared at the back of Anna's head and felt completely at a loss with no way to comfort her or even share in their grief together.

It sickened him with worry to see Anna so distant and unable to face the reality of the previous day's events. He wished desperately for some sort of reaction from her. She cried her initial tears, but nearly nothing since. John would even prefer her yelling at him than the silence. John attempted to numb himself to the pain because he felt the threat of tears at every moment. But Anna's reaction was taking it to the extreme. She did not seem to be hiding or ignoring the pain, but simply indifferent to the situation, and he knew that was not her true sentiment.

John stood up hastily and took a moment to regain composure. Anna's body remained completely still. He turned from her and headed for the door. He stopped at the door and did not look back at his wife.

"Please send for me if you need me. I love you," John said forlornly as he left the room.

He slowly made his way down the servants' staircase. He wanted to ensure he was in proper form when facing the rest of the staff. The sound of soft voices and utensils scratching plates filled the downstairs hallway. Evidently, breakfast had started. John was passing the housekeeper's sitting room when Mrs. Hughes walked out.

"Mr. Bates," Mrs. Hughes called, so the valet paused. She continued, "I didn't expect to see you so early."

"I must dress his Lordship," John responded simply.

The housekeeper hesitated before replying. John could read the concern in her eyes and she looked him up and down. After assessing him carefully, she spoke up, "We would understand if you needed more time."

John had not expected such leniency when it came to his responsibilities. But the idea of not doing his job seemed worse than the alternative. If he was to stay in the room all day with Anna, he would only cry and lose all resolve.

"I would like to see to him. It's my job." John reasoned. He did not break eye contact as he made his comment. John noticed the dark circles under Mrs. Hughes's eyes. He wondered if she slept even less than he did. Yet, she did not seem convinced that he should be returning so soon.

"I need to work," John pleaded with her desperately.

"Very well," Mrs. Hughes relented. "Shall we go to breakfast?"

John nearly said yes, but he remembered he needed to talk to her. "Actually, while I have you alone, I had a few questions."

"Yes?" Mrs. Hughes asked.

"Did Dr. Clarkson say anything about Anna's condition?" John questioned. He had heard nothing about her prognosis the previous day.

Mrs. Hughes looked up and down the hall to ensure they were alone, "Ah, yes. Yesterday, he went in to speak with you both, but did not want to interrupt. He told me that she should stay in bed and rest for about a week and he'll be back to check on her in a few days."

John nodded his head in response, but he was still worried about any physical complications and her disconcerting emotional state. He wanted the doctor's advice on her current condition. He was also troubled about the chances for future children. Mrs. Hughes clearly had nothing to say on those matters. John supposed Dr. Clarkson would not discuss such intimate details with other people so he would just have to wait for the check-up.

"Let's get breakfast," John said with an unnatural smile. The pair walked to the servants' hall. Once they were in earshot of the room, John felt as if something was off. Usually, there would be laughter and lots a chatter during breakfast, but the atmosphere seemed very morose. Anna's situation was clearly affecting everyone. As soon as John stepped into the hall, the little talk that was occurring came to an abrupt halt. Most of the younger staff stared uneasily in his direction. Mrs. Hughes gently placed her hand on his shoulder to guide him to his seat.

The tension in the room weighed heavily on him, and he felt as though everyone must have been pitying him. Usually, John would get indignant about such attention, but he did not have the fight in him today. He wondered if this was how Anna felt while he was in prison. While no one was outwardly mean, he could sense that others were gawking and whispering. John just kept his head down and tried to eat his breakfast. The entire meal was finished in relative silence, besides the occasional murmur.

Before going to his Lordship's dressing room, John quickly brought a tray with juice and toast to Anna. She did not acknowledge his presence so he merely left in silence.

John knocked on the door and entered to find his Lordship facing the window.

"Bates?" Lord Grantham said clearly surprised to see John return as his valet so quickly.

"Yes, milord?" John asked.

Lord Grantham appeared flustered as he opened his mouth to speak but closed it again, having trouble finding the right words to express the encouragement and support he wished to convey to his long-time friend and loyal servant.

"Right then," Lord Grantham managed after a great deal of contemplation.

John set out his Lordship's outfit and collected the pajamas without making eye contact. The silence continued as he dressed his Lordship. John struggled with even the most menial tasks. Try as he might, every thought returned to Anna. First, he noticed the snuffboxes out of the corner of his eye. They instantly reminded him of how he had been cruelly framed and accused of theft, but Anna never doubted his innocence. Anna became his friend basically the moment they met, and even defended his ability to handle the workload on his first day. She was always fiercely loyal to him and the snuffboxes proved that. She had cleverly figured out a way to exact revenge and get a good scare out of Thomas and O'Brien. John was surrounded by Anna's devotion at every turn, and the heartache he knew she was suffering made his stomach churn. At one point, John grabbed his handkerchief to cough into and saw his initials that were neatly embroidered by Anna. He recalled how she would always do little things to support those around her during times of trouble. Whether it was sewing an armband for William after his mother passed or comforting Mrs. Patmore during her scare with cataracts, Anna always reached out to console anyone in need. Now John felt unable to support her in the same way and he began to feel guilty for leaving her alone. He told himself that being with her made no difference at the moment, she did not even notice. But that is what scared him the most, that his presence could not give her any form of solace.

Somehow, John was able to fumble through all of his tasks and Lord Grantham was dressed. John was preparing to leave when he began to lose control and his raw emotion overtook him. He looked away as a tear fell down his face. He brought his handkerchief up to dry his eyes before Lord Grantham saw him. He could not allow himself to unravel so quickly and headed to the door.

Lord Grantham spoke up, "The mother may have lost the child, but that does not mean the father suffers the loss any less."

John looked over his shoulder at the Lordship. With everything that had happened the last twenty-fours hours, he had completely forgotten that Lady Grantham also suffered a miscarriage. Thinking back on it, John remembered coming across his Lordship after receiving the horrible news. Now, unfortunately, the two men had yet another commonality; the pain of losing a child. John nodded in recognition of the support and left. He had to see to some mending and cleaning, but John felt in no state to continue work or interact with anyone else. He had told Mrs. Hughes he was ready to return to his, but now he was shirking his responsibilities.

John returned to Anna's bedside to little success. He was completely at a loss. When he was with her, he felt as if he was of no use, but he suffered unbearable remorse being away from her. John figured it would be best to be by her side as much as possible. He grabbed her hand to confirm his dedication. She would nap and wake, but John sat there patiently in silence. Not a single word was spoken and John needed to leave for luncheon.

John lightly kissed Anna on the forehead and reaffirmed his love. He grabbed Anna's breakfast tray and noticed a few bites were taken out of the toast which was an improvement. Just as he was about to go, he was reminded of the fond memories which came flooding back while dressing Lord Grantham. John set down the tray on a stand by the door and turned to face Anna. He knew she was only able to half listen; perhaps she could not register anything he would say. However he needed to tell her how much she meant to him.

"Anna," John started, "I want you to know how much I love you and that we will get through this together. When I first came here, I was a lost cause. I had not a single person I could call a friend. I felt as though no one but you wanted me here. You never doubted me, even when I gave you nothing but misery in return. You were always there for me. So please, Anna, you might feel like you do not need me right now, but when you do I am here and I will always be here. I owe my life to you. So if there is something—anything I can do to help you through this, I will do it without the slightest reservation."

John paused, knowing there would be no response from his wife, but hoping for one none-the-less. After a few moments of silence he concluded, "You are the only joy in my life and I love you."

John walked down the hallway when Mrs. Hughes tracked him down.

"I'm glad to have caught you, Mr. Bates," said Mrs. Hughes. "Perhaps it would be best if you took some time in the mornings and dressed his Lordship in the afternoons and evenings. Mr. Barrow can help look after his Lordship and take care of any of the extra work."

"Did his Lordship speak with you?" John asked. His earlier outward display of emotion clearly did not go unnoticed.

"Yes, he did. We are all concerned for you both. There's no need for you to be completely relieved of your responsibilities, but it may be best for you to have a little extra time for you and Anna," Mrs. Hughes explained.

"Is this an order?" John inquired.

"No, it's merely a suggestion," Mrs. Hughes responded.

"Alright," John conceded. "Does Mr. Barrow know about this arrangement?"

"Yes, he has been informed," Mrs. Hughes replied.

John figured the under butler would not be happy to learn about the plan.

"Right, I best be getting this downstairs," John said, indicating his tray.

John found Daisy as soon as he entered the kitchen.

"Mr. Bates, let me get that from you," Daisy offered. She smiled tentatively at him and hesitated.

Finally she blurted, "I'm ever so sorry—about Anna having to suffer. She's always so kind to everyone 'round her. I do hope she's feelin well soon. It doesn't feel the same without her 'round here."

John simply nodded in acknowledgement but the lump in his throat made it impossible to speak, so he made his way towards the servants' hall.

As he turned the corner, he nearly ran into Thomas.

"Mr. Bates, may I have a word in private?" Thomas asked.

John nodded and followed Thomas to the courtyard. John had a bad feeling about going off with Thomas, or should he say Mr. Barrow, alone. Things over the last year had been better between the two, but they would never be close. There was just too much bad blood. Thomas would not jeopardize his senior position so he remained very professional and cordial in public. John and Thomas never had much need to be alone together. John feared Thomas would complain about the extra work load. But even more so, his mind traveled back to Lady Grantham's miscarriage and the horrible things Thomas said afterward. Thomas would never dare say anything like that in the house, but now alone, he would be free to be as crude as he wanted.

John knuckles turned white as he tightly clenched his fists. If the man dared said anything about Anna or the baby, John would punch him in the face without hesitation. John's breathing grew heavier as he struggled to control his temper.

"Mr. Bates," Thomas started. "Mrs. Hughes spoke with me."

_Here we go_, John thought, _He's going to complain about the trouble my wife and I are causing him_. John felt his anger bubbling under the surface.

"I wasn't sure if you knew but I will take care of his Lordship when you need me to. I know we aren't friends, but I can respect that you need to attend to your wife at the moment. And if it helps Anna to have you with her, I'll support you that way. Anna has been very kind to me in recent years and she is always doing her best to help others, so I don't mind the extra bit of work if she needs you."

John was completely lost for words. He never expected such compassion from Thomas, but if Thomas were to be sympathetic towards anyone, it is fitting it would be Anna. John felt his anger dissipating. Thomas's words spoke volumes to John. All along, he was thinking he would need to be strong for his wife. While that may be true, the whole of Downton was behind them both and that was primarily because of how deeply she had touched the lives of others in the past. He began to see their suggestions and aid as a sign of their love for his wife. He realized rather than feel insulted, he should be embracing the help. Because, God knows, he won't be able to do it alone.


	9. Chapter 9

_The Following Night_

Once Lord Grantham was dressed for bed, John bid him a good night. The day had been long, and John was relieved it was nearly over. He had to admit it was nice having Thomas cover for him in the morning, but nothing could relieve the emotional toll of caring for Anna. John thought back on his day and supposed there was some progress. Anna had responded yes and no to a few questions but said little else. Her main moment of lucidness came early in the morning. John remembered how Anna shot up suddenly, rousing him from his slumber.

Anna frantically repeated, "My mother, my mother."

When John implored why, Anna looked at him dejectedly and replied, "She doesn't know. I must tell her."

John simply wrapped his arms around her and whispered, "I'll take care of it, my love."

Anna pulled away and nodded her head before lying back down. Moments later, her breathing became heavy as she fell back asleep.

John had hoped the little outburst meant Anna was adjusting to the reality of her loss and returning to the real world, but she was distant as ever when they woke hours later.

Anna continued the day with eating little and saying even less. John slipped away for a while before luncheon. He returned to their cottage and got a few provisions for the both of them. He hoped Anna would appreciate her own pillow and nightgown. The cottage felt very strange without Anna there so John returned to the big house quickly.

During luncheon, Alfred explained he would be walking into town later and offered to mail anyone's post on his way. John asked the tall footmen to give him a few minutes to prepare a letter. Once John finished eating, he set about the daunting task of writing to his mother-in-law to inform her of Anna's miscarriage. He had no idea how describe such an event and what was worse, it was to a woman he had never corresponded with before. After thinking for a moment, John brought the pen down to the yellowing paper and wrote:

"_Mrs. Smith,_

_I'm sorry to inform you that Anna has lost the child. She is being looked after at Downton Abbey._

_Regards,_

_John Bates_"

John stuffed the letter into the envelope and scrawled the address of Smith's farm on the front. The letter was to the point, but he worried it was too blunt or impersonal. John simply shrugged as he sealed the envelope knowing no amount of words could soften the brunt of such news.

Throughout the rest of the day, John found caring for both Anna and his Lordship quite taxing. Despite the physical exhaustion, John was almost relieved to be so occupied with his valet work, as menial tasks prevented him from wallowing in his misery.

As John made his way to Lady Mary's bedroom, he was surprised to see her seated next to Anna. Her Ladyship rose from her chair as soon as she noticed John's appearance. Lady Mary was still in her evening dress which meant she had been in the room for quite a while. The black lace hung heavily on the young widow, but John supposed mourning should have that effect.

"Milady," John slightly bowed his head to acknowledge her presence. She proceeded to walk towards the door.

"I was just about to leave. I'm sure Murphy is ready for me now," Lady Mary explained, referring to Lady Edith's maid.

John hated to see the disarray downstairs resulting from Anna's absence. He appreciated how others were filling in for him and Anna, but he knew it required extra effort. Murphy's time was now divided between Lady Edith and Lady Mary. Mrs. Hughes made time to aid Murphy with the young ladies and also regularly looked in on Anna. And, Thomas was picking up John's slack which meant Mr. Carson was taking over some of under-butler's responsibilities. Fortunately, the house was not entertaining any guests, but John hoped to not burden the staff for much longer.

"Bates, could I speak with you for a moment?" Lady Mary asked.

"Of course, milady," John responded.

Lady Mary stepped outside the room and John followed. Her Ladyship looked back at Anna to ensure they were out of earshot. Clearly Lady Mary did not want to offend her maid.

Lady Mary whispered, "Bates, has Anna been… especially reserved, or, well, has she been very quiet with you?"

"I'm afraid so, milady," Bates responded quietly. He watched as Lady Mary's mouth twisted into a small frown.

Lady Mary looked back at her maid. She had a distant look in her eyes as she said, "These things take time, Bates. You will do well by her and she will soon recover."

"Thanks for saying that, milady," John replied with a small smile. He appreciated the encouragement, even though it was hard for him to believe at the moment.

"Good night," said Lady Mary as she departed for a guest bedroom down the hall. John still felt extremely uncomfortable over the fact that they had ousted her Ladyship from her own room.

John made his way to his wife's bedside. Anna's knuckles clutched the top of the scarlet blanket as she held it close to her body.

John risked asking, "How are you feeling?"

Anna looked at him before responding, "Tired... I am very tired and quite ready to sleep."

That was the most Anna had consciously communicated to him in days and John considered it a small victory. But, without saying anymore, she turned her back to him. While John also felt tired, he doubted sleep would come his way anytime soon. John had the urge to be alone with his thoughts. He quietly turned off the lights and left the room.

John made his way to his destination without even realizing it. He stopped at the door as he captured the cool air in his lungs. Stepping out, he took in the courtyard, their courtyard. John and Anna had formed so many memories in this very place. John steadily made his way over to the crates. The sound of his cane echoed off the cold stones.

As John rested his back against the wooden crates, memories flooded his mind. He fondly remembered the stolen kisses, hushed words, and silent displays of affection. Even early on in their friendship, they would escape the crowded servants' hall for some private conversations outside. It all began simply enough, Anna was a source of companionship. But it was not long until Anna captured his mind, heart, and soul. John had never known a person with a purer spirit.

What had Anna done to deserve such pain? But as he questioned why this happened to Anna, the answer became obvious. It was entirely his fault.

He had committed enough sins in his life that he deserved any punishment he encountered. John was still suffering the repercussions of his misdeeds even though he had turned his life around. It always seemed as though he was a magnet to misfortune, which was not helped by his rash decision-making. He would willingly handle the pain, if the hurt only affected him. But his stomach turned as he realized all of the heartache he had caused Anna.

The tears burned in his eyes as he cursed himself. All of Anna's suffering was his doing. The courtyard was a place of great moments, but it was also the place where he broke her heart.

Just days after John proposed he destroyed any hope for their future. At the time, he saw leaving Anna as the only choice. He felt trapped by Vera and his own foolish sense of honor. If John had believed for a second he would be freed of his first wife without exposing Lady Mary's story, he would have told Anna the truth. But, John had no faith in himself. All he could do was free Anna from the burden of their relationship. Anna deserved better, and as much as it hurt, he hoped she would forget about him. It was tremendously difficult for him to believe that someone as beautiful and kind as Anna would even have an inkling of interest in him.

John mustered all of his strength that night to break her heart and lie to her face about the reasons for his departure. Anna did not accept his words lightly, and the pain flashing across her face was unbearable for John. He listened in disbelief as she offered to throw everything in her life away and run off with him. But John couldn't accept her unconditional love; he turned his back on her and hoped she would forget him.

Anna's sobs as he left troubled him all those horrid months with Vera. John began to weep as he thought about the pain he caused Anna. Time and time again, John pushed Anna to the very brink of her sanity. And now, she was curled up in her bed, completely beaten. The human spirit can only take so much. John had never known Anna to be defeated, but after much contemplation, he concluded that he always abandoned her in her weakest hour. John was completely absorbed in the pain and did not hear the footsteps approaching.

"Mr. Bates," Mrs. Hughes called, "I thought I would find you here."

John wiped his eyes and looked at the housekeeper. She comforted Anna when he left for Vera, maybe she had some advice for her current predicament.

"How on Earth did Anna carry on while I was gone? After all I put her through?" John asked quietly.

"You could tell she was hurting, but she always put on a brave face. I only saw her strength waver a handful of times," Mrs. Hughes acknowledged.

John spoke his thoughts aloud, "She never did give up on me, did she?"

"No, I don't suppose so. She believed wholeheartedly in your innocence," Mrs. Hughes responded.

The word _innocence_ stung as he heard it. Of course Mrs. Hughes thought he meant while he was gone in prison. John was so focused on the time he left for Vera, he forgot about the hurt Anna must have felt during his imprisonment. But John was curious about Anna's experiences during that time as well. Anna admitted some of the pain, but she was not forthright about all of her suffering in order to protect John.

John looked at Mrs. Hughes and asked, "Can you tell me more about her during my imprisonment?"

Mrs. Hughes replied "What about her?

"Everything. The good, the bad, just everything about my wife while I was away. Maybe I can use it to help her at this most difficult time" John wanted desperately to hold onto to a piece of Anna, even if it may be painful to hear. The moments he was gone made her who she is.

Mrs. Hughes nodded in understanding. "Anna's work did not suffer, but she did. An outsider looking in would have never noticed, but I could tell. She tried to hide it but she missed you terribly. She kept her head down and forged on, but it was as if her spark was missing. Obviously she was devastated by the verdict; she believed in your innocence so fervently. Bless her heart, she returned to work the very next day. I do not know how Anna was able to face me after what happened in the courtroom."

"Neither of us blames you," John interrupted.

Mrs. Hughes continued, "There was a period when she could not visit the prison or receive letters from you, as I'm sure you recall. She worried terribly that you wanted her to move on and start a new life without you somehow. She believed me when I reassured her of your affections for her, but she needed encouraging. Anna cares so very much for you, Mr. Bates. I cannot even describe the elation she felt when finally she received that packet of letters. You are her world, and your support will get her though the challenges of life. But I am convinced you will share many joyous moments as well-Lord knows you've earned it!"

John remembered the lack of letters all too easily. He even began to believe she finally heeded his advice and moved on without him. The relief when he realized they were getting intercepted was amazing. John should have known better to give up on Anna. After all, it was she who found him in the pub, even after his untimely departure. Mrs. Hughes's words brought great comfort, but he could not shake the feeling of guilt. His lips remained in a frown and his brow stayed furrowed as he thought of Anna.

Mrs. Hughes eyed his expression and asked, "Mr. Bates, is there something else on your mind?"

John nodded slightly. "When you came out here, I wasn't thinking about my time in prison, I was thinking about the time before, when Vera forced me to leave... I've always seem to abandon Anna in her darkest hours"

Mrs. Hughes hesitated, "I do wish I would have told Anna what I overheard Vera telling you. It would have eased her burden, but at the time, I feared you were gone for good. I didn't want to give her false hope."

John replied very openly. "No, that wasn't your fault. If only I was upfront with Anna, things could have been different. I thought I was releasing her from pain but I only brought her more heartache."

"When you left, a few of the servants thought Anna would accept that you had left for good and would move on with someone else. However, for those of us close to her, we knew that would never be the case. One time she told me she knew what it was to experience true love, and that she considered herself lucky, even with a broken heart. It was quite clear she'd never forget you," Mrs. Hughes responded.

John gritted his teeth and confessed, "I've put Anna through hell."

Mrs. Hughes took her time before responding. "Before you arrived, Anna was content with her lot. She was a hard worker and very diligent but had nothing else. Don't you see, Mr. Bates, you gave her life meaning. While you may have taken the long road to get there, you make her terribly happy. And I would not have accepted anyone else for Anna."

"You care a great deal for her and I appreciate that. I know she was grateful for your support when I was gone," John observed.

"Well, Mr. Bates, everyone has their favorites," Mrs. Hughes confessed with a kind smile.

The housekeeper's words were filled with such sincerity and kindness. Her sentiments touched John dearly. He had never been a man great at expressing his gratitude, but Mrs. Hughes always seemed to be fighting Anna's and his corner. And John was not sure where he would be without the support of Mrs. Hughes the last few days.

"Thank you, for telling me all this, for your help with caring for Anna, for your kind words," John acknowledged his appreciation.

After the two exchanged a quick nod of respect, John decided to return to his wife's room and do his best to be there for her no matter how challenging things might become. The stories of Anna's steadfast support during the past tribulations encouraged him to be strong and help his wife recover. He knew that this was the time to convey his undying love for Anna through words and actions.

* * *

_A/N: I graduate from college in exactly a month, so unfortunately, I will probably not have any time to update between now and then. I will try to get one chapter up, but it depends how the end of the semester goes. Writing is a nice break from engineering so I may squeeze it in. I have at least 2 more chapters planned and a third longer chapter for the epilogue. One or two additional chapters may make its way into the story, but it will probably be only 12 or 13 chapters. And this story is now officially longer than my other story, Space Between, which I will return to after I finish this one.  
_

_In the next chapter, Anna will actually do more than just stare into space, and it will be the beginning of her healing. I've always loved Mrs. Hughes interactions with Anna so I was hoping I could do it justice with a nice Bates/Hughes scene. Thanks for all of your reviews and I'll be back after the hiatus._


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